the great gavonne

Oh No She Didn't!!!

2012-01-07T12:32:00.011-05:00

Jan 19:I love 21/2 Men.I don't mean the TV show;that's what I call my penis.

So,I'm watching 'Family Guy' & I text my friend Hick,"I need more lemon Pledge".He texts back,"To wax your wood."Too Funny!--- How come you don't see 2 dollar bills anymore?---the best books I've ever read were Chuck Negron's autobiography & the biography Mel Torme wrote about Buddy Rich---speaking of drummers,I can't believe Neil Peart uses those Sabian cymbals-I tried them years ago & they sounded like toys.They may have gotten better but I can't see them in the Paiste or Zildjian class.They must be paying him a lot of money---Christy Turlington is still the most beautiful woman in the world---Only 40something days 'til pitchers & catchers---do they still make Hygrade's franks?---I consider it a compliment when these assholes block me on social media sites-it means that they're so afraid of what you have to say-they think they're silencing you but all they're doing is covering their ears to the truth about themselves---Why do people always say 'untimely death'?Aren't all deaths untimely?---TV NEWS:Seen that 'Like a good neighbor' commercial?If I could make a woman appear by singing those words it wouldn't be to file an insurance claim>>>best show on TV:Sci-Fi Ninja Theater>>>2nd best show on TV:The Tim McCarver Show>>>I love 'Two Broke Girls";they talk about their va-jay-jays on every episode>>>did you ever see that commercial 'My bliss is Blistex'?My happiness is my penis>>>the dog on 'Family Guy' gets laid more than me>>>I can die happy now,the girl I've worshipped for over 20 years & who happens to star in a new show on TV Land & is the funniest woman in the world,just told me my letter to her made her cry .Bliss,indeed!---more later...

A Liar & A Coward:Brian Seiken

2011-11-14T12:31:00.006-05:00

UPDATE(Jan 7):I was gonna write the whole Seiken story but I've decided not to waste my time.UPDATE:Next week I will tell the whole Seiken story & rid my blog of that loser once & for all.There Will Be Blood...

This jerk-off has been writing nasty lies & sending perverted messages to me for over 2 years now.Soon I will publish the harassing comments that he's been writing me.They are the sickest shit you have ever read in your life-just in time for Thanksgiving!

No Hidden Fees!!!

2011-10-24T14:15:00.007-04:00

A man in Arkansas has been breaking into homes & sucking women's toes while they sleep.When I heard about it I said,damn,why didn't I think of this?(Reminds me of The Illinois Enema Bandit)---For the last 6 months I had closed captioning on my TV that I couldn't get rid of.There's no button on the TV to switch them on & off & I don't have the original remote.I didn't mind because I am slightly hard of hearing,but it obscured the statistics sometimes when I watched baseball or other sports.Then a few days ago they disappeared.Just like that.I'm trying to remember if I did something to get rid of them when I came home drunk one night but I don't think I did.It sucks 'cause I kinda miss 'em now---Most competitive eaters are good people but Marcus Owens is a douche bag.I don't know & have never met this asshole but I sent him a message asking how he got into Jo's pancake contest since they were hell bent on keeping experienced eaters out.Not only didn't the punk answer me,but the little pussy blocked me on twitter & everything.I mean,what kind of a loser blocks someone.On twitter?!?,come on,get over yourself,dickwad!---Similarly coward like moves is sending someone a nasty message on facebook & then blocking them so they can't even respond to it.I have never blocked anyone on facebook,it just seems so petty---I never ate a salad in my life & I never will---When will they stop picking on Lindsay Lohan?---I mostly listen to old hard rock stuff but one new band I really like is Mastodon-they are really fuckin' heavy!---The baseball postseason has been terrific,some really exciting games but I am so sick of that song they play constantly;I have to change the channel every time it comes on---I am really gonna miss Regis.I hope NBC hires him & teams him up with Kathie Lee again.ABC really blew it by not ponying up the $ to keep him---Another 3 Musketeers movie?Hollywood must really be out of ideas---Am I a pervert because I want the SitterCity.com girl to sit on my face?---Is OJ still in jail?---These & other questions will be answered in the next exciting episode of 'My Fat Neck' (or not)

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-10-03T11:39:00.006-04:00

3 Mother related items:1.That new Jennifer Lopez commercial creeps me out.You know,the one where she's driving a car & then gets out & dances.I don't want to see her shake her stuff anymore,I mean,she's a mom now---2.I've never seen a girl go from hot to not as fast as Cobie Smulders did.I guess that's what having a baby & a bad haircut will do to you---3.The Zappa Family Trust(www.zappa.com)informs me that FZ's 100th release,titled 'Feeding The Monkies At Ma Maison' is set for release.It will consist entirely of compositions realised on the Synclavier.Can't wait!
---THE BALLAD OF JO & YOKO
I've been living in Hollis,Queens for just over a year now.It's not the best neighborhood in NYC but it's certainly not the worst.The biggest complaint I have with it is that it's so far from the subways.There's a girl who lives directly above me,her name is Yoko.I used to talk with her frequently when I first moved in.One day,in April I think it was,I bought a laptop computer.After I got it home & checked it out for a while I went upstairs & knocked on her door to ask her about Wi-Fi & whatnot.When she came out on the landing her blouse was open down to her navel & her breasts were mostly exposed.Right away I thought,"I'm getting laid tonight."But when I asked her to come down & check out my computer she declined,& did not invite me in either.I walked away scratching my head,thinking,"Why would a girl answer the door with her tits hanging out if she wasn't looking for some action?"In the weeks that followed I tried to figure out what that was all about.Was she unaware that her blouse was open?That seemed unlikely.Was she just teasing me?That was more likely.Yeah,that had to be it,the little bitch was teasing me.Hey,it's not as if I was dying to bang her-I mean,she's kinda cute,but she's old.She's got to be around 40ish.I would see her occasionally after that & wave hello,but didn't stop to talk to her.She came down & knocked on my door a few times,but I never answered.I was angry that she would tease me like that.One day she saw me coming home & ran to catch me before I went in the door.She asked me if I had an extra pack of smokes until next week.When I told her I didn't smoke she said,"Oh,you don't smoke anymore?"I told her that I never smoked in my life & went inside,angrier that she didn't bother to know enough about me to know I don't smoke cigarettes.It was then that a horrific & disturbing thought occurred to me.Could it be?No,please,no.Could it?Oh,no!You see,when I first moved there I had a roommate.He was a gay guy,although I didn't know he was until he moved out & I found a notepad he left with a letter to an old boyfriend on it.Maybe she thought I was a fruit too!It sickened me at first but I soon found it very funny.I saw her the other day,walking down the street eating a big,gooey slice of pizza;the oil all over her face & dripping on her dress.It was then I realised: She's a mental case!No wonder she always has that sick smile on her face & paces back & forth upstairs in her apartment all the time,sometimes at 3,4 o'clock in the morning with high heels on.I saw her this morning standing outside the bodega,drinking a cup of coffee & thought to myself,"Man,I am so glad I didn't ean,who am Ihit that-she'd probably never leave me alone if I did."Amen.
>UPDATE:WOW,reading this crap I sound really bitchty-I mean who am I am I,Michael Musto?---I based the Cobie Smulders comment on the way she looked at the Emmys.She still looks good on 'How I Met Your Mother',although I've only seen a few minutes of the new season because of the MLB postseason games,which have been great.---Yoko update:Yeah,this woman is really out of her mind.She has been dragging furniture,dropping things,& stomping on the floor(my ceiling)in a vain attempt to get me to knock on her door.When I see her I just wave hello & keep walking.

Goodbye Cool Rancher

2011-09-27T16:22:00.005-04:00

I just found out the sad news that the inventer of Doritos,Arch West, died.As the reigning Doritos eating champion of the world I have to say I am deeply saddened---How come I can get Spanish via SAP on English language stations on my TV but I can't get English on the Spanish language stations?---I was watching my favorite show last night:The Late Show with David Letterman & going into the first commercial break who do I see?My grandniece(my niece Beth's daughter),taking a picture with Seth Rogan.Go,Alyssa!---I don't care what Tony Bennett says,he's still & will always be one of the greatest singers who ever lived---Just found out that Catwoman is now a lesbian.No wonder she tried to scratch Batman's eyes out---I've got a really funny story about the girl who lives upstairs from me & I will tell it in a few days.Until then,I remain THE GREAT GAVONNE...

American Cheese

2011-09-12T11:54:00.003-04:00

She's like American Cheese
You can give her a squeeze
Is she wacky,a loon?
You'll get sick pretty soon

Writes about sex but is not sexy
Talks about food but is not appetizing at all
SO YOU CAN EAT YOUR HEART OUT!

She is American Cheese
Is she sweet or she sleaze?
On her back or her knees
Just say no thank you please

Her boyfriends' a dork
He's a knife,she's a fork
Let's eat,let's spoon
Rent a car,get a room!

She's not spicy,she's so bland
A hawk's nose,a Polythene Pam
Too long on the shelf
Too wrapped up in self

Already too old
Not sharp,more like mold
She melts in your mouth
But you'll spit it right out

(spoken over guitar madness part:)

Not Great
Not (fully) Grated
Gracious?
InGrate!!!

TEETH:White
HEART:Black
No front
Less back

Stale American Cheese
No thanks & no please
A cough & a weeze
Is more fun than this Dweeb

She's just American Cheese
Wipe your nose on your sleeve
On a roll or on rye
I think I'll just say goodbye

YOUR 15 MINUTES R UP---LOL

Copyright pending 2011 jor
osemusic-words & lyrics by jo rose

The Hurricane Report or How I lost my virginity to a screen door

2011-08-29T12:05:00.000-04:00

I'm so sick of Yankee pitchers giving up 7 runs & winning the game while R. A. Dickey pitches his ass off & can't get a win.Speaking of the Yankees,I just found out that one of their announcers is married to Jody Applegate.It figures that the worst sports broadcaster should be married to the worst newscaster.Last week the Mets fell behind 7-1 to the Brewers,then rallied to take a 9-7 lead into the 9th.Then they blew it & lost 11-9.A few days later the Yankees also fell behind 7-1, then came back to take the lead.Did they blow it?Nope,they went on to hit 3 Grand Slams & win 22-9. One more Yankee note: If I would've caught Jeter's 3000th hit I would have destroyed the baseball.But first I would have had a pay-per-view special where viewers could vote on exactly how the ball should be destroyed.Of course if Derek or someone else would call in & offer a million dollars not to destroy it I might consider it.LET'S GO METS!---I ran out of tissue & had to blow my nose with my sock;I don't want to tell you what I wiped my ass with!---I used to like Rae Dawn Chong until I heard her on Ms. Divine's show saying that she disliked Jim Belushi & how big,fat white guys get all the roles.Now I'm not a big Jim Belushi fan but I am a fat white guy,so what's wrong with that?(Actually,I'm not white,I'm Italian.)---More & more I'm beginning to realize that all I need in life is an acoustic guitar---There's something really sad about a fat,middle-aged man wearing a bandanna on his head---I always thought Nathan's hot dogs were the best there is but I've discovered franks that taste even better:Ball Park's Angus Beef Franks.They are simply delicious!---On Sunday afternoon,after the hurricane had passed,I found about 2 dozen bugs dead on my bathroom floor;it was very strange---more later...

Shakin' All Over!

2011-08-24T10:44:00.004-04:00

Yes,I felt the Earthquake yesterday.I had no idea that I had experienced my first earthquake ever until much later,though.I had just taken a sedative & was about to nap.I layed down in my bed when I felt it moving.It felt like someone was underneath the bed kicking it.I thought maybe a squirrel or a racoon or something had gotten in my apartment,but how could that be,I didn't have the door open at all.Then I thought it must be the Indian couple who live in the basement-maybe the husband was banging on the ceiling,but then I would hear the banging,not just feel it.I looked over at my floor lamp & it was moving back & forth.I was genuinely perplexed,but too tired to even realise there might be some sort of danger.Didn't matter though,as I was asleep moments after the shaking stopped.I woke up at 5:09 & immediately put on Jeopardy! on channell 55 since I knew the Yankee game was on at 7 & I wouldn't get a chance to see it then.It wasn't until I switched to the news at 5:30 that I saw there had been an earthquake.No wonder my best friend Phil,who lives in Florida was trying to call me,he probably wanted to know if I felt it in NY.Not an exciting story,but that's the way it was. Here's a new feature called 'Rants & Raves',until I can think of something better to call it: I am so saddened to learn that Jerry Leiber,one half of the songwriting team of Leiber & Stoller,has died.They wrote so many great songs,including my favorite song to play & sing,"Trouble".more rants tomorrow.

The Highest Tribute

2011-08-15T11:53:00.002-04:00

Some really sick person(I won't even mention his name,since he's a nobody), made the 2 videos below about me.They are the funniest thing I've seen all summer!I am truly touched!

HES THE QUEEN OF THE WHOLE GAY WORLD

2011-08-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

I SMELL YOU

2011-08-15T11:48:00.000-04:00

a day at Coney

2011-07-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

400 Pound Rodent Attacks Brooklyn!!!

2011-06-28T15:10:00.003-04:00

Sunday was the 5th annual Stinky Cheese eating contest.This was my 2nd time competing in the contest.Of course Will "The Rat" Millender won,no other competitive eaters worth anything would bother with this cheesy affair.
i think he won a year's worth of cheese,which he proceeded to eat immediately after the contest ended.As usual,ShitMouthSeiken got all the facts wrong about what went on.First of all,I use a FlipVideo camera,not a phone.Second,I never tapped Will on the shoulder to ask him questions.(I wouldn't touch that sweathog.)I did stand in front of him & pepper him with questions,such as,"Is it true as a kid growing up your nickname was Stinky Cheese?",all of which he ignored.He kept his cool for the most part,except for 2 instances when he told me to get out of his face(I'm paraphrasing).Thirdly,I never called him a fat fuck,or whatever that lying coward said I called him.Seiken said the same thing about "Cookie" Jarvis,that I called him a name,which Cookie himself said was not true.All of the post-contest mayhem can be seen on the really,really long version of the video,which I am still editing(right now it's at 38 minutes,so I'm trying to get it down to a reasonable length). Next stop,Coney Island!

5th Avenue Fair

2011-06-15T13:33:00.004-04:00

Here is my first real movie,recorded at the 5th Ave Fair,June 5th,2011.I missed the pizza contest,but it was a great day even though I didn't get to boo Joe"cheater"Menchetti,or get to interview the lying cheating sack of shit.More later...

No One Told Me About Her

2011-04-29T15:00:00.006-04:00

Am I a bad guy 'cause I lick the plate after I eat?---I have a new act-I dress like Hitler & play drums a la punk rock-Hitler actually invented heavy metal in the bunker;Eva Braun was the first groupie---always do what's right,when people are looking---suicide is never right but sometimes murder is necessary---I may have used the word sublime before but when I watched a film of Wes Montgomery it was defined for me---let me get this straight,so now that I'm over 50 that means I have to heat up my cold cuts?---I want a girlfriend named Pippa---don't you want to punch those people on the subway who press their leg up against yours?---speaking of the subway,those women who put on their make-up on public transit have no class whatsoever---I may not have a lot of money but I am rich with the human experience---speaking of Experience,I bought an official Jimi Hendrix shirt yesterday for $1.99!!!---thought I was auditioning for a role on 2 1/2 Men,long story short;it turned out to be a gay porn flick(I turned down the part)---to all competitive eaters:if we hate & spite each other then the terrorists win---I am madly in love with the new T-Mobile girl---more to come...

Shirley Jones (nude swim)

2011-03-14T17:26:00.000-04:00

The only thing sexier than Shirley Jones is David Cassidy's hair!

Doctor Doctor

2011-02-23T16:04:00.003-05:00

I went to the urologist this morning.I was referred there by my general practitioner,Dr. Lana,who suspected that I have a kidney stone.Here's what happened:As soon as I got in the examining room she told me to take down my pants.I usually would've come back with a smart-ass remark,but I wasn't thinking quickly enough.She took a sonogram of my right & then left kidney,then she sonogramed my pelvis(right above my pubes).I was a little nervous because she was an attractive woman that I might pop a boner,so I tried to think of the ugliest person I know(Brian Seiken,ironically called Beautiful Brian).Then she said I would have to take my pants & underwear all the way down so she could give me a prostate exam.I wasn't too afraid,I mean I don't mind a little ass play but I was not prepared for what happened next.She had some trouble finding my poop chute,telling me I was tensing up too much.Finally she found my little brown eye & shoved the camera,or whatever it was,way in.I screamed like a banshee,& almost started to cry,it hurt so much.I was telling her to take it out,it hurts,but she said,"Still?" & kept on moving the apparatus around to get a good look inside,where no man has gone before.(Okay,maybe once,but that was over 40 years ago.)When she finally took it out,after what seemed like a small eternity,I wiped myself good & hobbled away.I asked her if I had kidney stones & she said you have to ask the doctor."What?You mean you're not the doctor?"She said she actually was the cleaning lady on her morning break-just kidding-but I said,"OK,now is it my turn to do you?"Just kidding again,but I wish I had thought of it,but I was too traumatized to think of anything funny.After I spoke with the doctor she told me I did indeed have a kidney stone as well as a few other minor things that I won't go into detail about.She said I have to get a cat scan so she can determine what we should do next.Can't wait for that,it can't be as bad as being anally raped.It's about seven hours later & my doody chute still doesn't feel right.Oh well,alls well that ends well!

A Song For Selma

2011-02-11T14:47:00.002-05:00

I break the chains that bind me
I leave the clown I was behind me
It was wonderful of you to remind me
That if I looked I would find me
Oh Selma,Selma thank you
I can never say goodbye

written(ficticiously)by Big Floyd Hires

from 'Look At The Birdie' by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Reality Sucks

2011-01-14T12:38:00.008-05:00

I read that the recent massacre in Arizona was because a young man lost his grip on reality.LUCKY BASTARD!I've been trying to lose my grip on reality for years now & the most I can manage is some fantasy about baseball.And that's only when I'm eating.Unlike some people I can't afford to lose my mind.It would just get in the way of taking care of life's necessities.I guess when you don't have to worry about that kind of stuff you have the luxury of letting go of your sanity.
That's the # 1 problem in this country today-people are too comfortable.They need to be shaken up every once in a while,thrown for a loop to let them know anything can happen in this life,& at any time.---So let me get this straight:The Mets got a new GM,new manager & coaches,their # 1 starter & closer are out for an unknown period of time,& they have no $ to get new players?What the hell are the Wilpons trying to pull?Man,this could have been one of the great NY sports years,what with the Jets,Knicks,& Rangers all playing winning ball(& puck).The Yankees are perennials,& thanks to George Steinbrenner they are always willing to spend the $ to put a fan-worthy product on the field.The Mets,even though I've been a fan for over 40 years,aren't getting my dollar unless they're gonna put a big effort into being respectable---Tues Jan 18:Regis announced this morning that this will be his last year as (co)host of 'Live".This is the worst news I've heard so far this year---

70 Years Ago Today...

2010-12-22T12:56:00.007-05:00

Frank Zappa was born.

Happy Birthday Frank!

50 Years Ago Today...

2010-12-16T13:42:00.007-05:00

Two planes collided in mid-air over NYC.One of them crashed in Park Slope,at the corner of 7th Ave & Sterling Place,less than a mile from where I was (I was 2 years old).Here are the photos :

Girls Girls Girls!!!

2010-11-29T11:58:00.014-05:00

I need an intern-any volunteers?---I recently saw Paul Schaeffer on Regis & Kelly & decided he's an OK dude.For years I had held a grudge against him because of an incident that happened in 1983.I was at a King Crimson concert on the pier in Manhattan & was coming back from the bathroom when somebody banged into me as I was walking up the steps.I went into the row & said to my girlfriend Teresa,"Did you see that?That guy bumped into me & didn't even say excuse me or I'm sorry-should I hit him?""Do you know who that is?",she said."No.""That's Paul Schaeffer!""You mean Paul Schaeffer from Saturday Night Live?""No,Paul Schaeffer from 'Late Nite with David Letterman'.""I never saw Late Night with David Letterman,is it the same Paul Schaeffer?""You never saw Late Nite with David Letterman?".Well later that night we watched Late Nite with David Letterman together(Tommy John was one of the guests)& I loved it.I still love Dave & I still love Teresa,even though she's a lesbian now & well,that's another story...---It's almost 2011,where are the flying cars?---it is much better to give than receive-especially in prison---My whole body is tingling right now because I'm sitting next to this...girl...at least I think it's a girl...she's got a slight mustache,piercings through the cheeks & the top of the nose(at eye level),a nasty demeanor;but the greatest tits I've ever seen.It's like,paste a different face & we're in business...---Listening to Hendix's "Valleys Of Nuptune",it's great to hear songs by Jimi that I never heard before---Every man has his tale of woe,unfortunately for me there's more woe than tail...---since MLE turned on me the only person I miss is Eric "Badlands" Booker,I really care about this man & miss having him as a friend-all of the others I couldn't give a shit about---

Champion Of The World!

2010-11-08T09:06:00.005-05:00

Yes I am!I am the Doritos Eating Champion of the World!I won the title Saturday,November 6th,2010 in Washington Square Park in NYC.Here is the incredible story of this historic event:
Sat.,Nov. 6th started off badly.I was very angry with a friend of mine for giving me some inaccurate,incomplete information-but that's another story.I had pretty much decided not to go to the contest,since I had no clean pants & had to wear an awful looking pair of greenish-brown trousers that made me look like a bum.Then I thought to myself,what the fuck,however bad these duds look if I don't go I'll probably wind up wishing I had.Besides,I was on stand-by for a spot in the contest & wouldn't be on camera anyway(or so I thought).
When I arrived at West 4th St. & went into the park I looked around for a table or sign or something indicating where it would take place.Not seeing anything I thought,great,it's been called off.Then I saw it:a box with the Doritos logo on it.Is this it?No table,no banner,no fanfare?I went up to the folks who were in the vicinity of the large box & inquired if this was where the contest was.I spoke to Mike Fallek,who was putting the whole shindig on & he told me I could be in the contest if this other guy didn't show up in 3 minutes.The guy didn't show & Mike handed me a bottle of water,telling me I was in.I talked to the other 3 contestants,which was my first encounter with a girl named Geri.The first thing this red-headed firecracker said to me was,"I don't know what you're game is,but you're going down!""She's drunk",her friend said.Hmmmm,I thought,juiced before Noon,this is my kind of girl.I asked what the time limit was & Mike informed me that there was none-the first person to finish the large bag(17 ounces) & the most of the 50 small bags would win.Geri accidentally popped open her bag when I told her to crush the Doritos,that it would make them easier to eat,& some of them spilled out on the ground."Disqualification!",I shouted,to no avail.About 2 minutes into the match I reached down to the ground for my water & saw that it got knocked over & most of it had spilled out.I tried to ration it,but soon ran out.Luckily,I had a bottle of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch in my bag & reached for it,but it was too strong & it was making me sick.The tournament started to get funky when Geri started grinding her booty at me.I had the urge to grab her & kiss her,or do something outrageous,but resisted,since at this point I realised I actually had a chance to win this thing.Finally I finished the bag & Mike motioned for me to start on the small bags,but I wasn't having any of that & said,"No way."He decided that was the end & declared me the winner.Unfortunately,my Flip camera must have run out of gas by that point because the girl who was recording for me had stopped & was taking pictures with her own device.Geri wanted me to give her the World Champion shirt,& I almost did,but instead promised she would get it when Mike gave me the second shirt-the first one was printed backward so it would show up normal on the film camera he was recording with.
After Mike & his posse left, Geri & I got to know each other better & the rest,as they say,is history.Although it was the cheesiest eating contest I was ever in, I was the happiest guy in the world that day as I had won the heart of a beautiful girl...& oh yeah,a t-shirt!

Wingin' It

2010-10-27T11:38:00.013-04:00

Good times were had at Manny's On Second Monday night when I competed in a wing eating contest seated alongside the great Ed "Cookie" Jarvis.It was the first eating contest I've been in in over a year & I've got to say it felt really good to be back in the saddle,so to speak.The main reason I went to this contest was it gave me my first(& possibly only)chance to be in a contest with the great 'Cookie' Jarvis,which was a privilege & a pleasure.I wasn't nervous at all before it started because I knew I had absolutely no chance to win.It was a given that Mr. Jarvis was going to blow away the competition,so I just tried to enjoy myself & enjoy the wings.After it started I was kind of surprised at how hot the wings were.And I don't mean hot as in flavor,I mean hot in temperature.You think they would have let them cool off a little beforehand.I had gotten through about 10 wings when I looked over at Cookie & he had a full bucket already.I wasn't surprised,knowing how many records he holds & how long he's been doing this.When it was all over I briefly interviewed Cookie & enjoyed the ambiance of the bar,which has more TV screens than I've ever seen in a bar this size.You don't have to turn your head an inch & there's a HD TV;& the crowd was going wild over the game,which was still rockin',awaiting the 2nd half of the Giants-Cowboys game.I have a funny story about what happened to me on the way home,but I'll save that for a few days from now...

UPDATE:My new favorite show is 'Bored to Death'---Just watched some recent footage of Allan Holdsworth-there is no guitarist who can compare with him---Is the World Series over?I slept through every game-I think the only post-season game I saw in it's entirerty was the one that started at 4 PM---Baseball lost one of it's finest when Sparky Anderson passed away,he was one of the best managers that ever put on a uniform---

The Baked potato

2010-10-19T13:35:00.005-04:00

The title refers to the famous club in L.A. which is celebrating it's 40th year with a series of concerts featuring great jazz artists.I couldn't resist the name since this blog is(vaguely)about competitive eating---What the hell happened to my man Randy Quaid?---Keith Emerson did more to promote & launch the Moog Synthesizer than any keyboardist on Earth---Speaking of Moog,I can't wait to try the new Moog Guitar-I will have a full report on it as soon as I get my hands on one,which could be as soon as next week---I don't care that the Yankees are not in the World Series,as long as the Phillies aren't---I like that new show 'Outsourced' & 'Boardwalk Empire' surprised me,I didn't think Steve Buscemi had what it takes to be a leading man,but it's outstanding,especially the first episode,directed by Martin Scorcese---and the live '30 Rock' was great,but my old favorites remain:Regis,Letterman,'Jeopardy','Family Guy','How I Met Your Mother',& of course 'iCarly'---I really miss Kate Sullivan in the morning,why did she have to go to Chicago?For a while I thought she was on vacation,oh well,my perfect mornings ended over a year ago...---I want to go to the Dweezilla Music Boot Camp in the Catskill Forest Preserve in Big Lovian,NY this summer,I never got to jam with Frank but I will play with a Zappa before I die if it kills me!---the new Rush songs "Caravan" & "Brought Up To Believe" are typical Rush:fuckin' awesome!!!----more later this week...

The Pickle Connection

2010-10-02T12:35:00.011-04:00

Went to the Black Rabbit bar in Greenpoint(I thought it was Williamsburg) last night to witness the whiskey sour pickle eating contest.It started later than the 8 o'clock scheduled time,which was good,as it gave me time to walk around & check out the neighborhood & get a feel for the kind of people I would be encountering.For instance,could they take a joke?I wasn't going to make the same mistake I did last week at the dumpling contest & luckily I was feeling OK,so there was nothing holding me back from having a good time & kidding around with the locals.
As soon as I walked in the door I was greeted by Shamus Jones,the proprietor of Brooklyn Brine,who provided the pickles,which I was told,are of the highest quality.I wouldn't know myself,as I turned down his generous offer of a large jar of them,since as I told him,i never ate a pickle in my life(& never will).Later,when I told this to a young lady,& also told her that I never ate a salad,she asked me,"How are you alive?"When the contest started there was a lovely girl with a huge microphone attached to a recorder who was laughing heartily at all the comments I was making during the contest.Afterwards she told me she was doing a project for Columbia University-whoa!,sounds way too familiar!I asked her if she knew Andrew Keshner,she said she didn't.She asked me about myself & I told her if she really wanted to do an incredible story look no further.I gave her a brief synopsis of my life of the past year or so & she could hardly believe what she was hearing.Unfortunately I forgot her name,I thought I wrote it down somewhere,but have yet to find it.She has my e-mail if she wants to contact me.
As for the contest itself,it seemed to go on forever.I thought it was supposed to be 10 minutes,but after about 15 it was still going on.What the contest lacked in formality it more than made up for in the festive atmosphere that prevailed at this hidden gem of a bar.The only problem was that it was kind of dark in the outdoor rear,& was even darker in the bar-some of what I recorded didn't come out too well.Otherwise it was a blast.Some really hip dudes & gals,who were all good sports,not like some of the so-called pros in Major League Eating,who can't take a joke to save their life.
Elliot Maruffi won the contest,consuming 6 pounds of pickles.Afterwards he celebrated by buying me a drink & posed happily with his official certificate.Another contestant known as "The Future" would like everyone to know that he's going to be a force in CE-he has a manager & everything!

Wicked Dumplings

2010-09-26T15:17:00.012-04:00

Geez,what can I write about this day, that will live in infamy?I started out the day intending to kick back & relax,as I was very tired & not feeling well.My illness has prevented me from attending almost every eating contest this summer(,except for 4th of July-I wouldn't miss that unless I was dead).I was online when I was alerted by someone that Joe Menchetti posted on facebook that he would have me arrested if I dared to show up at the dumpling contest.As sick as I was I knew I had to go to show everyone that I wasn't afraid of this so called 'Gentleman'.It was twenty minutes to one & the contest was supposed to start at one o'clock so I thought I wouldn't make it & instead sent a message to Menchetti that I am not one bit scared of him.Then I got a burst of energy & jumped up & ran for the subway.Thinking to myself that these things usually run late,I raced to Sara Roosevelt Park in Manhattan & entered the park right behind the stage where the eaters were waiting before the contest.The first thing I saw was 2 enormously fat hulks that turned out to be G-Joe & his sidekick Will Millender.As I could see that the main contests would not start for awhile I roamed around,figuring I'd sample some dumplings & ravioli.I went to one of the tents & asked for a sample & was informed that I needed to purchase a ticket for $20. that would allow me to sample from 4 tents.What!?!I remember 2 years ago when I competed-there was no entrance fee-they were giving away all kinds of stuff.Now you couldn't even get a lousy sample.I went to a few tents & asked if I could taste a dumpling or get a bite,but no one would throw me a bone.For a charitable event who claims 100% of all $ would go to the food bank they sure were stingy. Meanwhile,the heat was unbearable & I was reminded of Coney Island(where I wound up later that day)on 4th of July & was starting to fade already.When the contests started I got right up front & G-Joe saw me & threw me some menacing looks.I videoed the contests & when 'Gentleman' Joe made some remarks afterward about how Kobayashi was ducking him I shouted from 5 or 6 feet away:"He wouldn't waste his time on you."Honestly,if Kobe can beat Furious Pete he will demolish G-Joe.I videoed the women's contest,including the sudden death eat-off or whatever they called it.When the contests were over & they were presenting the checks I started to feel dizzy & nauseous.I looked for a place to sit down & the only chairs were at the side of the stage.I went & sat down,hoping this awfulness I was experiencing would pass.I wasn't even sitting for 2 minutes when Menchetti comes lumbering over to me.I instinctively turned on the camera.You can see by the interview there wasn't much said.When I asked hm what he had to say he replied,"No comment."I cursed myself afterward for not asking him something challenging or humorous,but I was not feeling good at all.In hindsight I wonder what was the purpose of him coming over to me if he had nothing to say.Was he trying to show Millender or me that he wasn't ducking me?I don't know or really care. From crowded Manhattan I went to the not so crowded Coney Island to see my friends Rob Rizzo & Frank Romeo play with their outstanding Black Sabbath band,Wicked World.Rob was actually doing double duty that day,also playing with his Deep Purple/Rainbow tribute band,Mistreated,in which he sings lead vocals.Both bands rocked hard & were thoroughly enjoyalble.I was moving around like I haven't for quite some time(although I felt it the next day).But what I enjoyed most was seeing my old friends & getting a chance to hang with them,even if only for a little while.I should have invited G-Joe to come to Coney-I know he loves to come to Brooklyn.HA!!!

Shea it ain't so!

2010-09-17T12:37:00.009-04:00

Here's my report from the 2010 San Gennero cannoli contest: I arrived as the contest was about to begin.I figured these things always run a little late,so I took my time getting there.I wasn't scheduled to be in the contest,but I figured they would probably let me in at the last minute since I was in it the last two years,& after all,I am THE GREAT GAVONNE.All the contestants already had their CAFFE ROMA shirts on & were about to line up as they were called to the stage.I spotted George Shea & asked him if I could be a late entry.He said,"No,there's no room."When he went up to the stage I asked his brother & he said,"Let me see what Mike says."The old guy who was handing out the shirts,who I assumed was Mike came down & I told him I was in the contest.He gave me a shirt & had me fill out the waiver sheet & another paper with all the contestants names & contact information on it.George directed everyone to go to the back of the seating area to get ready to be called.I wet with them.Crazy Legs told me ,"I don't think George is gonna call you."I said,"Well,if he doesn't at least I'll have a good story."George started inroducing the contestants.I crossed my fingers hoping he would be a sport & call me.He looked down at the sheets & flipped them several times so I know he saw my name & my sheet.During one intro he was obviously making up some wild shit,& I thought he was about to call my name,but alas,it was not to be.When he started introducing Crazy Legs I knew that I wasn't gonna be called,as Conti is the main attraction & is always called last. After the contest I asked George Shea why he didn't call me & he said,"You weren't on my list."Yeah,right,I bet if 'The Shredder' or some other ranked eater would have got there late he would have made room for him,but then again I'm not there to contend,I'm more or less comic relief.I do entertain the crowd though, as last year I got big laughs from the crowd for my shameless mugging & Rodney Dangerfield impressions.
The highlight of it all was talking to Tim"Eater X"Janus after the contest.I don't know why,I mean,I'm not gay,but my heart always beats a little faster whenever I see him.Not only does he seem to get more handsome,but he is the sweetest person on the CE circiut & always has some kind words for me.Unfortunally,the interview with him & the one with George Shea didn't come out,as my videocamera malfunctioned.
I was temporarily deflated about not being part of the show but after I tasted a cannoli afterwards I realized Larell Marie was right,the shells were a killer & I doubt I would have been able,or would even want to eat more than a few.Hey,at least I got a T-shirt.---Oh, by the way US Male edged out Crazy Legs to win the title.Go to EatFeats for the full results.---More on this later,if I think of anything else.

I Think...Therefore... I Yam

2010-09-09T06:05:00.009-04:00

Here's what I've been thinking about lately---Happy 5771- now where's those latkes?---The Mets should just let everyone in free to CitiField for the rest of the season,the product they're putting on the field isn't worth paying for,besides,they would make more $$$ on concessions that way---Finally watched that Star Trek movie & I can now say I've seen every film & every episode of every Trek show,except for Deep Space Nine,which I couldn't get into,yet no one has ever called me a nerd.I wonder why?---The big new thing in competitive eating seems to be eating challenges.If it makes you feel good to do them,hey,great for you but I don't see the appeal of watching someone else stuff their face.But then again,I have had fun being in eating contests but I never watch them,except if I'm video recording,& then it's more of a public service,since I love to give other people pleasure---Although I did predict the top 3 finishers in the Rocky Mountain Oyster contest(& am expecting a T-shirt from Wrecking Ball),I find I'm losing interest in CE.I mean,I just don't care who wins wings,pickles,bacon,or whatever.I guess it's a good thing that my mind is going back to thinking about music,mostly---I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with my guitar with one of Long Island's best musicians,Rob Rose,who just happens to be my nephew.He is reviving his band:Suppressed Theory,an insanely heavy group that is maybe even too heavy for me.I mean,the music is phenomenal,it's the scare-the-children vocals that I don't enjoy so much---If you've still got any energy left after the Chef One Dumpling Contest on Sept. 25th head over to Peggy O'Neil's in Coney Island for Metal Fest & see 4 head-banging bands:Show No Mercy,Mistreated,Wicked World & Kill 'Em All play the music of Slayer,Deep Purple & Rainbow,Black Sabbath,& Metallica.---Today is Wonderful Weirdos Day,a day for everyone to celebrate their own little personality quirks,so put on your favorite outfit & let the world know you don't care what they think of you.As I always say:FUCK 'EM FUCK 'EM ALL!!!---more updates later...
UPDATES:Sept. 14---Just saw a TV show that featured Erik The Red-I never knew he had diabetes.He handles it very well.---I never watch a movie if it says at the beginning it has been edited for content(or for anything).No movie director likes his vision altered & I want to see a film as the director intended it.---

This Blog Sucks!

2010-08-23T05:31:00.012-04:00

Why do I say that?Because I haven't been writing much lately,I haven't done any eating contests this summer,although I might enter The Habitat's wing contest & will probably be at the San Gennero cannoli contest & Chef One's dumpling contest.My biggest concern is:Am I still funny?I surely hope so,it's my whole act since,as everyone knows,I can't eat for shit.I think in the future I am gonna go with a more stream of conscience kind of approach on this blog & comment on events soon after they happen.Like the other day I brought a girl some flowers & she told me,"Just because you bought me those don't expect me to spread my legs.""Why",I replied,"you don't have a vase?"
UPDATES:Aug.24 -I should have learned to play keyboards,I mean,I can play on the white keys AND the black keys,just not at the same time.Reminds me of when I went to the store on my corner that had a sign that said 'Open 24 Hours'.When I got there he was closing up.I said,"I thought you were open 24 hours"."Yeah",he said,"but not in a row."---Barbara Eden,who turned 76 yesterday,was the sexiest woman of the 20th century.21st century?I'll take a young Sarah Michelle Gellar any day(or is that still the 20th century?)but what do I know?---Will'The Champ' is really delusional if he thinks he's gonna land a hosting gig on TV-nobody wants to watch someone who looks like that,with no talent except for eating,but then again,if RuPaul can get a show anybody can---Speaking of no-talents,I had to laugh at Seiken's description of Will as a "self-centered ass"-The piece bb wrote on his failed love life was unnecessary anyway,the original blog entry was a laugh riot-is there anything funnier than desperate,ugly,fat people's pathetic attempts at romance?(I should know)---You can't believe anything Seiken writes anyway-he said he would've bailed me out of jail,but didn't only because I pissed him off by e-mailing him warning him to stop printing lies about me.If you want factual reporting on competitive eating go to EatFeats,Seiken has absolutely no credibility.
Aug 25-Just watched 'Deconstructing Harry',one of the most underrated films ever.Woody Allen has to be the greatest American director around today.I didn't fully appreciate it when it first came out,but now I think it's one of his best.---Also watched 'Shaq vs. Joey Chestnut' although the best(& most informative) part was Tim Janus instructing O'Neil on how to speed eat hot dogs.One of the thoughts I had while watching was why such a handsome guy as 'Eater X' would paint his face.I concluded it's a good thing,as it only adds to CE's showmanship.---I might have a publisher for my book-but I'm balking at the title-I do not want to call it 'The Sweet Stalker',as that's a misleading & inaccurate title.---more proof of Seiken's getting everything wrong:he calls Jessica Abdul Hussain an up & coming competitive eater,yet she doesn't compete at all.She has only been in one eating contest & told me that she hates contests-she only does eating challenges.This is why he hates ojrifkin(& me),he's jealous of people who actually get their facts straight.

Competitive Eaters-The Best

2010-08-07T08:10:00.011-04:00

Text to follow(if I feel like it).Next up:Most hated Competitive Eaters.

REICH & ROLL(J. Rose/M. Storoniak)

2010-07-31T07:52:00.007-04:00

This song was written when I was a teenager;it was the first complete song(music & lyrics)I ever wrote.It was written from the standpoint of a World War II German soldier.I am not now,then,or ever was a Nazi.It was just a bit of teenage fun,as all that Third Reich stuff seemed so forbidden & exciting.But anyone who takes it the wrong way,or is offened by my little ditty,can go fuck themselves.
Fascism abounds as I shoot another round,And Rudy climbs aboard his Tiger
Wolfgang shot a kike but he did it for the Reich,even though his name was Von Schwieger
Jochen's doin' fine in his ME-109,the Allies haven't got him yet
It's a world-wide revolution,the Final Solution,as perverse as man could get

Reich & Roll-It's in my soul
Reich & Roll-Proud & bold

Watching the Jew girls strip make the SS guards flip,erections are likely to occur
They don't make a fuss as they pile on the bus,they think it's just another transfer
Jews are under attack,in Warsaw they fight back,& elsewhere things seem pretty grim
Without our hate for the Jews we surely would lose,as it is now our chances are slim

Reich & Roll-It's in my soul
Reich & Roll-Proud & bold
As we march single file amid the shouts of Sieg Heil-Reich & Roll!

(Luger solo)

Eichmann's in a cell,the Fuhrer went to hell,the end of the war has come
The Russians really hate me,the Jews wanna castrate me & the Yanks think that I am scum
They all say that I'm a sinner,I'm just an innocent Berliner,who's actions have taken toll
But they know now that I kill so I'll take my little pill,it was fun while it lasted-REICH & ROLL!!!

Reich & Roll-It's in my soul
Reich & Roll-Proud & Bold
As we march single file amid the shouts of Sieg Heil
Now we ain't got nothing left but our proud emblem of death-Reich & Roll!

(copyright renewed 2002 jorose music)

Into The Arena - Michael Schenker Group

2010-07-30T08:42:00.000-04:00

Long Island Night(mare)s

2010-07-18T17:26:00.006-04:00

I went to a block party in Long Island last night.It sure was a lot different from the ones we used to have in Park Slope in the 70's.I spent most of the early evening sitting in a chair,observing people & taking in the scene,until an attractive older woman asked me,"What's wrong with you?"I think she was waiting for me to jump her bones but I wasn't feeling it.I didn't feel good until I got to have some time to talk to my nephew,Rob,who wanted to have a 2 AM jam.I guess I'm not fully back yet from my 8 month ordeal.I don't feel scarred,it's more like an open wound.I really have had a hard time adjusting & don't feel quite like myself yet.My people have insisted I rest & recover on the Island,in fact they want me to stay out here,but it's a different world that I'm not sure I could get used to.
Besides,I know soon enough I will have to return to Brooklyn to fulfill my destiny.Jobs & musical opportunities are fewer & far between out here,unless you have a car.It was strange waking up in a foreign basement after nightmares of http://projects.jrn.columbia.edu/videos/WomanVsFood/ but neat to roll over & slap a bass before washing my face. 11 years ago today I was on my way to Manhattan to buy some CDs or something, when the idea hit me to maybe go to Yankee Stadium.It was Yogi Berra day & he hadn't been to the Bronx in 16 years because of a disagreement with George Steinbrenner.I was vacillating whether to go or not when I thought of... Joe Garagiola.I knew he was one of Yogi's old friends from growing up in St. Louis,& that he would be there.That did it for me.You see,when I was 14 years old I met Mr. Garagiola.He put his hand on my head,shaking my hair & told me,"Kid,if I could grow grass like that I'd be doing Vitalis commercials."That was it,I decided to go to the Stadium & bought a bleacher seat for $8.Well,I got to see David Cone(who,coincidentally,I met on my 1st visit to the new Stadium last year)pitch a perfect game.And it was all because of Joe Garagiola.Thanks,Mr. G.What were you doing 11 years ago? Getting back to the party,I had the best laugh the next day when Rob relayed to me he told the guy who drove in on a motorcycle to be sure & be safe & wear his helmet.What he didn't tell him was that he urinated in it.

Kobayashi Beat Me Up & other 4th of July tales.

2010-07-06T15:40:00.013-04:00

Just read BB's latest comments & have to say he devotes more space to me than Kobayashi!While I appreciate the ink,as usual he got all the facts wrong.First of all I WAS given a pass-you can see it around my neck in the Daily News video.I am an IFOCE member & everyone likes & gets a big kick out of me.You can tell that from my interviews,which if you open your eyes,most of which were conducted in the media only back room.That whole "tell George Shea Gavonne is outside" was just shtick,& I was admitted back as soon as I turned off the camera.What really bothers me is the crap about Badlands,especially since Eric hugged me & gave me words of encouragement & advice that touched me so much I had to walk around the corner to Mermaid Ave & I cried my eyes out.That's the difference between you & him.He is a caring,warm, human being that is a true role model & champion & you are...not.Just by the fact that you can't give me a break-even though I served my punishment.You wrote some time ago that I also stalked you!How is that,by sending you an e-mail?I never stalked anyone unless you consider sending e-mails,which by the way you can look up as a matter of public record,is what I pleaded guilty to.By that regard I've stalked hundreds of people.And as far as Millender goes,if I would have seen him I would have apologized to him But he has no sense of humor.The dumb crap I write on EatFeats about him is for laughs & I alerted him to that.A supposed really big man,who has everything over me, would forgive me.I ask you & him right now,what can I do to make it up?Tell me which events to stay away from so she can go there & I will not go.I will do whatever is asked of me where she is concerned.If you two are truly big men you will contact me so we can talk man-to-man & you can let me know what it is I have to do.Let's move on & all live in peace,can't we find a way to coexist in CE?As for the Chestnut interview,as you can see & hear on the video,I ended it when he had nothing new to tell me.

Coney Island Mayhem 2010!

2010-07-05T11:32:00.007-04:00

see all the july 4th videos on www.youtube.com/muzixan

Unmitigated Insanity!

2010-07-03T11:16:00.015-04:00

Yes,that's right,I was locked up for 8 months.It wasn't pleasant but I tried to make the best of it.I wrote several songs & finished a few others.I wrote a screenplay(Charles In Charge-The Movie) & a book,written entirely on prison toilet paper-& it will be sold that way:by the roll,so you can read it in the bathroom & when you're done with it you can...well you know.I read a lot,went to the Law Library every day(where I learned to speak legalise),& worked House Detail where I made my commissary money by cleaning the dorm where I slept with 60 other men. The book will be called(what else?)'She Put Me In Jail',although I'm told it would have more marketability with a title like 'The Sweet Stalker'.It tells the uncensored,unmitigated story of my crazed obsession that led to my downfall,as well as my most intimate thoughts via a journal I kept. Here's an exerpt: CHAPTER ONE Here she comes,walking through the field toward the tent on this shimmering August day.She stops at the first row of folding chairs & fixes her ponytail.I had seen her once before,in June at Shea Stadium,but I wasn't as thoroughly infatuated with her then.I was struggling to think of what to say to her when she came to the back of the tent & started talking to another competitive eater. I was sitting next to where she was standing when an insect that was flitting around landed on her neck."There's a bug on your neck",I said."Is there ,now?" she replied haughtily.Wow,I thought-she's pretty stuck up!Didn't matter though,I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anything in my life.Later when she was posing with her oversize 3rd Place check I was about to go up to her & congratulate her,but I figured she just brush me off again,& was feeling really tired from the day's excitement anyway, & not at all confident.I sulkily headed to the F train & made my way home,every nerve in my body tingling with anticipation of when I would finally have her.Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end for me,that my overwhelming desire for what I would later find out was a spiteful, neurotic, cold fish mess would make me lose everything;that I would wind up broken & defeated in jail, facing years of imprisonment & a lifetime of mental anguish. NEXT:The entire true story of Halloween '08-And the shock of finding out the sickening details of what motivates such a man!!!Or something even worse!!!But,really it's so shocking you won't believe it!!!!(I sure don't.)

She Put Me In Jail-PART 697

2010-06-30T17:37:00.006-04:00

"Maybe I'm kinda stir-nuts.I'll tell ya about it sometime maybe.Ya see,it's just somepin you wanta know.Kinda interestin'.But I got a kind a funny idear the best thing'd be if I forgot about it for a while. Maybe in a little while it won't be that way.Right now when I think about it my guts gets all droopy an' nasty feelin'.Look here Al,I'll tell ya one thing-the jail house is jus' a kind a way a drivin' a guy slowly nuts,see?An' they go nuts,an' you see 'em an' hear 'em,an pretty soon you don' know if you're nuts or not.When they get to screamin' in the night sometimes you think it's you doin' the screamin'-an' sometimes it is... There's somepin about it that ain't like nothin' else in the world.Somepin screwy about it,somepin screwy about the whole idea a lockin' people up." -exerpt from 'The Grapes of Wrath' by John Steinbeck (2 b continued)

Chef One factory

2009-10-16T15:12:00.005-04:00

Choo Choo's Hamburger Contest-June 2009

2009-10-15T12:59:00.002-04:00

Choo Choo's Hamburger Contest-June 2009
Originally uploaded by jo gavonne rose

This was a contest from June that I had tried to upload to YouTube & Blogger but couldn't because it was too long.

How Dry I Am

2009-10-13T10:03:00.005-04:00

Water is the key to life.
Water is the most beautiful element.
Water is the greatest substance on the face of the Earth.
Water is life.
WATER WATER EVERYWHERE & NOT A DROP TO DRINK!
Water is at it's best when paired with some smooth vodka,but I've been drinking it sans hooch lately,& I'll tell ya,life is very different without booze.As Ralph Kramden said,"What do people do when they're not gettin' loaded?"
I'm a hard lovin',heavy drinkin' man but I feel a lot better(& healthier)after 9 days sober.I've even lost 5 lbs!
I've been working on some songs that I've been writing for the past year or so,& I'll admit that you don't have the focus & concentration to create sophisticated polyrythyms,or even subtle harmonies when you're toddy.
Not even my birthday yesterday could derail me or induce me to get plastered.Instead I finished 2 songs & worked on bits of a bunch that are shaping up nicely.Now it's time to go back to the studio & lay down drum tracks.
Now is a good a time as any to harden up those callouses!

You From Jersey???

2009-10-06T11:43:00.004-04:00

What a freakin' weekend!First there was the frenzy of the contests at Grand Central Terminals Oyster Bar(see sidebars),TWO trips to New Jersey ;culminating in the hot rockin' sounds of NewYorkBluesDept waking the dead at the historic cemetery in Jersey City.

>>>I'll write all about it(or fail to do so)when I get some free time this week<<<

Roman is a genius

2009-09-29T16:39:00.012-04:00

No,not Roman Polanski,although he IS one of the great directors of our time,& I hope he gets off.(Well,he did that 32 years ago-that's why they want to lock him up!)

I'm talking about Roman Farnacci,who displayed his impressive musical chops on Saturday night at the opening party for Salsberry Studio in Staten Island.I've known Roman since we were teenyboppers;we were BFFs throughout our teens & beyond.He first got me interested in playing guitar(my first axe was from him),& he opened up a whole new wonderful world for me when he turned me on to Alice Cooper.

UPDATE-OCT 6th:I never really got a chance to finish this entry but I would like to say it's a great little studio & I had a blast jammin' with some exceptional musicians.

It's Greek To Me

2009-09-21T12:03:00.009-04:00

I just heard the universe is expanding-maybe that'll ease up some of the traffic on Flatbush Ave.
I went to the Greek Festival in Bay Ridge yesterday for the Loukamandes contest.I was thinking of signing up for the contest,but with a $25 entrance fee I figured I'd just be throwing my money away.Why?I assumed any minute a couple of ringers like Will "The Blimp" Millender & Joe Mencheater would show up & I wouldn't have a chance of winning.Let's face it:I get beat by folks who are competing for the first time,so there's no sense to forking over dinero just so some local yokels can humiliate me.

As it turned out the contest was cancelled;the announcer gave some lame excuse,but there was probably no one who entered.
The night wasn't a complete waste,as I ran into the lovely Daniellan Louie,the owner of Ivy Bakery on 87th St.She was on her way to the San Gennero festival,& was telling me about the next cupcake eating contest she's holding in the spring of 2010.Just seeing her made my night,as she's one of the nicest & most beautiful individuals I've ever met.
One more thing:Did anybody hear Ernie Anastos curse on the news the other night?He was joking around with the weatherman about Frank Perdue or something & he said,"Keep fucking those chickens!"I thought only Sue Simmons could get away with that kind of crap!

Holy Cannoli!!!

2009-09-10T15:56:00.013-04:00

What can I say about the San Gennero Festival Cannoli Contest?It might have been the most fun I've had all year-except for picking up a foxey black chick near the Perdue cutlets in Pathmark-"Do you like white meat?" "I love it",she said.SCHWIINNGGG!!!
THE CONTEST
George Shea did his usual masterful job,Crazy Legs went...well,crazy,& I broke my previous record high of 5 with a whopping 8!

Beautiful Brian wanted me to interview people & then tell them they had bad breath,so I did it-to him!Pat Philbin wanted to show me his sphincter(we have a date Saturday night).And...oh, the sugar rush is starting to wear off...

I'll have more on this tomorrow(maybe)

UPDATE:
Fri Sept 11:Some observations from yesterday:
There didn't seem to be as much media coverage as there was last year.Most local newspapers & TV networks were in abundance last year,not so much this year.Not as many celebrities,either,although I noticed a famous actress in the 2nd row.
I missed not seeing Badlands,"Cookie"Jarvis,& Steve Bartelstein.

I never realized how handsome Tim"Eater X"Janus was until I talked to him.I mean,he's like a movie star or a Greek God.It's the same with Pat From Moonachie,only he's more like Bacchus to Tim's Apollo.
I was getting plenty of big laughs,mostly from women in the audience,& I didn't even have to drop my pants.I even did a little Rodney(Dangerfield),I was feeling so good.
AND I WAS'NT EVEN DRINKING!

Another Steak Thru The Heart

2009-09-08T12:49:00.012-04:00

What a weekend!Unbelievable stuff is happening!I started off the big Labor day weekend by going to my doctor.To my surprise she told me,"Mr. Rose you simply have to stop masturbating.""Why?",I asked."So I can examine you",she replied.Despite that she cleared me to be in the Philly CheeseSteak eating contest at FiveSpot restaurant. On a busy Sunday that included an old girlfriend telling me she met a guy who looks exactly like me."He can't be THAT good looking",I told her.She told me she loved me,but when she also said how much she loved Michael Jackson I hung up. THE CONTEST: Being the optimist that I am,& figuring all the big names would be in Buffalo for the wing contest,I actually thought I had a shot at 3rd place but when I arrived & saw heavyweights like Pat from Moonichie,Allen"The Shredder"Goldstein & Wing Kong my hopes were dashed.When the great Juliet Lee walked in I knew it was over before it started.Not only is she the best female gurgitator on the planet,but when you see her up close & in person you realise how beautiful she is.And to top it off,she asked me something just before the introductions that had me laughing(later that evening)until I almost cried. As expected,she demolished those sammys-the crowd was actually in awe(see sidebar for video).Afterwards I told Pat,"I like hanging out with you guys,I'm hoping to absorb..." "Our greatness?",he said."Yeah" "That's sad."It is.I've got to get back in a band before it's too late.I remember when I used to hang out at CBGB's with The Dead Boys,Tuff Darts,& Helen Wheels.These CE folks who just eat & run aren't as much fun.The best part of the day was talking with Juliet afterward.The announcer was saying she's the only one who might be eating for two.I asked her,"Are you eating for two?" "Four" she answered."Say WHAT?" She thought I was asking her how many she ate,so I clarified & asked if she had a bun in the oven.She shook her head & said "No."I told her I'd be willing to go halfsies & lived nearby.[Actually I didn't,but I wish I would have thought of it.]
I'll have more on this later.

Sweete Sundae Mournin'

2009-08-31T11:56:00.003-04:00

Sexy old lady with too much perfume
I can still smell your bitterness
I can taste your despair

I GAINED NOTHING GOOD & I LOST NOTHING BAD
SO WHY AM I CRYING?
CAN'T GET DRUNK ENOUGH TO COMMIT MY CRIME
I'LL HAVE TA PUT IT OFF FOR ANOTHER TIME
THOUGHT I WAS LOSIN',WAIT,BUT I WAS JUST LOSIN' MY MIND

Sexy old lady with way too much clothes
I can still see your stretch-marked emotions
I can feel all your anger & pain

>come back for another drink sometimeZ<

Wicked World at Peggy O'Neil's

2009-08-24T10:14:00.011-04:00

Saturday night I had the enormous pleasure of seeing Wicked World,a great band that plays Black Sabbath & Ozzy songs.Besides having a kick-ass drummer(Steve Morante) & an amazing singer(A.J. Lauro),the group features two of my favorite people in the world:Rob Rizzo,a blazing,absolutely tremendous guitar player who has played with the rock solid outfit Machine,among others,& Frank Romeo,who one critic called,"the best bass player I've ever seen in my life."But Frank is much more than that.He is a phenomenal guitarist-on a par with Allan Holdsworth-who can play rock,jazz,fusion,classical,& everything & anything else.In addition he's a patient & generous teacher whom I took lessons from more than a few years ago. The night turned out to be a love fest as I was reunited with some old friends who I consider family. Linda & Billy Storoniak,who are one of the great love stories of our time;Billy being one of the great artistic geniuses in the world today,& Roman Farnacci,another legendary musician who's vast knowledge of the guitar is simply mind-boggling,& who introduced me to the instrument as a teenager. Some(easily impressed)folks consider me to be somewhat of a virtuoso,but next to these guys I'm just a beginner. The only bad thing about the evening was that my camcorder's batteries ran down(I was so excited about seeing my old pals that I forgot to bring spares)& I only recorded a small portion of Wicked World's set. Otherwise it was pure Heaven.

Coney Island photo by Billy Storoniak

69 Mets 40th Anniversary

2009-08-21T11:04:00.008-04:00

Les Paul 1915-2009

2009-08-14T10:24:00.006-04:00

Any Way You Slice It

2009-08-03T15:09:00.015-04:00

I just hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day,because then I know it's gonna be up all night. I've just gotten an idea:I'm gonna srart billing myself as the world's worst competitive eater.After Saturday's spectacular final round of Dani's House Of Pizza's annual pizza eating contest I don't think there's anyone who can challenge me for that(dis)honor.I'm pretty sure I came in last,in fact a couple of old ladies who were just walking by finished ahead of me.What can I say?I've lost my hard-on for the sport.[By the way,Joel Podelsky had a great response when in a pre-contest interview when asked if CE was actually a sport.] THE CONTEST: After the first couple of bites I was aware of how much pizza disagrees with me(I can't eat anything with tomatoes in it,the acid kills my stomach).During the 2nd slice I said to myself,"I don't want to do this anymore."I tried to have fun,sprinkling garlic on my slices,but I was not feeling great. There was an awful lot of hub-bub,much ado...so why wasn't I at all excited?It could have been because once you've seen the spectacle & grandeur that is Coney I land on the 4th of July,everything else pales in comparison.Don't get me wrong,Dominick & all the staff at Dani's went all out to make it a wonderful day-I thought the tray of cannolis they brought out after the contest was a particularly classy touch.They turned Leffert's Blvd into a festival for a couple of hours. Maybe I was nonplussed because of the lackluster top 2 eaters.Pete & Menchetti may win contests, but they're not champions.They don't have the style & grace,the charm or the character of true champions.Joey Chestnut is a champion.Kobe,Crazy Legs,Badlands,even Bertoletti,these guys have the flair & verve of champions.'Delerious' Pete & 'Generic' Joe are just duds.I mean,how can you even take someone seriously who's wearing a WLOCE shirt?Czerinski needs a handler,or a good manager to steer him right.He's like a rocket with no guidance system,a runaway train,or a speedboat without a rudder. Menchetti reeks of the stale aroma of a has-been,resigned to the fact that he's never gonna beat Pete at anything,he's just there for the 2nd place money.When last seen he was trying to pick up some flat-chested waif.He must be really desperate for action if he's plucking stray kitties off the streets of Queens.I guess he misses his favorite groupie-slash-eater(?),who's off the circuit permanently due to several gurgitators wives & girlfriends giving her an ultimatum to stay away from their breadwinners. But back to the real story:ME Things became bizarre when I arrived home to find that someone had stolen everything from my apartment & replaced them with exact duplicates.I asked my best friend,"Can you believe it?".He said,"Do I know you?"

Dani's July 25,2009

2009-07-27T10:04:00.012-04:00

The video of the actual contest will be on my youtube channel soon.

Recent Videos

2009-07-23T13:24:00.013-04:00

I'm having problems with my building super.I told him I got a leak in my sink & he said,"Go ahead".

National League can't get it up.

2009-07-10T10:04:00.014-04:00

I'm glad I fell asleep on the All-Star game last night.I can't bear to see the National League lose again.Did Santana get to pitch?I'll have to check out the tape(I think I'll wait 'til the off-season,when there's no baseball to watch).
Here are some recent videos
I went to the doctor(again)today & she wanted to run tests on me.I told her,"I just did this a couple of weeks ago,I gave urine,blood,even gave a semen sample(even though they didn't ask for it)."She looked horrified,I guess she didn't get it.I love my new doctor.She looks like Nicole Sullivan.When I asked her her name & she told me it was Lana & I replied'"Oh,same as the other girl(the receptionist),wow,two beautiful girls named Lana',she blushed.Then she told me to take my pants down.I thought we were gonna get busy,but by the time she stopped laughing she had forgotten why she asked me to disrobe.I begged her for a prostate exam,but she checked my chart & saw that I've been getting them twice a week. I live in a strange neighborhood.I saw a guy dressed funny on my corner & asked him,"Are you a Jehovah's Witness?"He said,"I didn't even see the accident.I love '2 1/2 Men'.Any show that features a stalker named Rose,especially one who looks like...

A great day in Brooklyn

2009-07-07T14:11:00.011-04:00

It was the closest thing to a perfect day I've had in a long time.Everything went so smoothly & everyone was so nice,I vowed afterwards to give more back,to do as much as I can to spread joy & good cheer to the whole world.As a great man once said,"I shall pass through this world but once,any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being,let me do it now,let me not defer or neglect it,for I shall not pass this way again."-Jerry Lewis. I thought Badlands' raps were the highlights of the pre-contest festivities.(Check out my youtube channel:muzixan for all of them.)Afterward,as I hung out backstage,everyone seemed to know me,even people who I had no idea who they were.I guess I'm more famous(or infamous)then I realized.Nate saw me devouring a couple of dogs & quipped,"That's more than you ate in the qualifier."After all the good feelings I came away with on Sat.,I read yesterday how Beautiful Brian called me a celebrity stalker & generally implied that I didn't belong there.He was all smiles & complimentary to me when we were talking & joking.(He's just jealous that I was a big hit with the bunettes & Juliet Lee.)I had a pass 'cause I am a friend of many eaters,& George Shea,& I AM in the IFOCE family.I appreciate all the organization has done for me,& I'll be there for them if they ever need me for anything.
I'm just trying to bring the message of peace & love to the world through my music,like Michael Jackson.

UPDATE:Beautiful Brian assures me that what he wrote was tongue-in-cheek & he was paying me the highest compliment he could by writing about me.It certainly was funny.

No Happy Ending

2009-06-15T12:50:00.007-04:00

Passion.It lies in all of us,...sleeping,waiting.And though unwanted,unbidden,...it will stir,open it's jaws...and howl.
It speaks to us,...guides us.Passion rules us all...and we obey.What other choice do we have?

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.If we could live without passion,maybe we'd know some kind of peace,...but we would be hollow:...empty rooms,shuttered and dank.
Without passion,...we'd be truly dead.

Well,I finally did it,I joined Alcoholics Anonymous.I still drink,I just use a different name now,that's all.
Today I used what was probably the corniest line I ever have in my life.What was it?"How does a guy like me get to know a girl like you?"The answer?"Cash only,no checks,money orders or credit cards accepted."Reminds me of my friend Hick,who once tried to pay off a hooker with food stamps.Or my dearly departed,great friend Billy,who was relating a story to me of finding out the broad he was with was actually a dude.I asked him,"What did you do,Bill?"His reply:"Fuck it,I already paid."
I was reminded of these antics when I went for a full psychical the other day.When I gave the nurse my urine sample she looked at it with marvel,telling me,"It's sparkling,it looks like Budweiser."I retorted,"It's got way more alcohol content then that swill."Forget about my blood sample,she wanted to sell it as sherry.Then,when she told me to lift my shirt so she could attach the thingamajigs for the EKG I asked her,"Does this have a happy ending?""Oh,yes,very happy",she said."Woo Hoo!!!",I exclaimed."Not for you,for me",she explained,"Because you'll be outta here in 2 minutes."
The real shocker for me was when she weighed me & I came in at a whopping 187 lbs.I had lost 50 lbs. in the last 1/2 of 2008,& now I've gained nearly 1/2 of it back.I might have to cut back on the infant brains,for awhile,anyway.
I'm ready to do some celebrating tonight,as I just finished my first book...now I'm gonna read another one.
(note:Passion was written by Ty King.)

Chew,Chew at Choo Choo's!

2009-06-08T09:04:00.013-04:00

Saturday I attended the hamburger eating contest at Choo Choo's in Astoria,Queens which featured big time eaters such as Joel Podelsky & Will(Baby Huey)Millender.Joel actually talked to me,he's really a hell of a nice guy.I wound up apologizing to him for the dumb crap I've written,but he is smart & mature enough to realize it's all just hot air & he doesn't sweat it. The Chump was another story,as he was defeated in a tiebreaking eat-off with the red headed kid(,who's name escapes me).
I'm having trouble putting up the video of the actual contest(it's too long & won't download).Once I figure out how to edit it down I'll have it on this post.

Keith Emerson piano burn

2009-06-06T11:02:00.001-04:00

Keith Emerson piano burn
Originally uploaded by photorant

It's a beautiful world where you can wake up in the morning & do this

2009-05-30T10:11:00.004-04:00

I was about to record a couple of songs,but I popped my (high)E string warming up so I went back to watching 'Pineapple Express"(too violent).

Cold Dogs

2009-05-28T14:32:00.006-04:00

I just came from the Bronx,where Vito's Deli was having a hot dog eating contest.I left work at 11 AM,thinking I had plenty of time to get there(the contest was at noon).An hour & a half later I was still on the goddamn # 6 train,hoping it didn't start yet. Of course I missed it,when I arrived a bunch of people were just leaving & there were a couple of dozen dogs on tables outside the deli.I talked to a few people & one big guy told me he'd time me to see how many I could eat in 10 minutes.I downed 9 dogs in 9 minutes(I know,not very impressive),before I said,"That's it,I had enough."It had started to rain heavier by that time & the dogs were cold & wet[not tasty at all].The kid who won the contest ate 10 in 10 minutes,so there was a good chance I would have won if I had arrived on time.The owner,Vito,did give me a T-shirt,so it wasn't a total waste of a trip. By now I know I'm not too good at competitive eating & will probably give it up soon,but I want to win one contest or break one record before I pack it in.Besides the only reason I started doing it in the first place was because I(thought I)was in love with a gurgitator,& we all know how that turned out. Live & learn.

Ophidian Motives

2009-05-26T19:06:00.005-04:00

I pulled a muscle this morning,waking up on my(too small to sleep on)love seat,but it's the same muscle I pull every morning so it's OK.
Then I got a call from my friend Bill,telling me he hurt his eyes watching his new HD TV.I told him,"Yeah,'cause for the first hundred shows or so you gotta watch SLOWLY"
Turns out I'm not in the pizza contest this Sunday,after all.One day after a video from two slovenly Bay Ridge locals appear of them taking the pizza challenge,everything changed.Suddenly I'm not in the contest.I wonder which of those greasy guineas she had to swallow to get me thrown out of this one.I have tried so hard to put this insanity behind me,but every day or so something happens to me because of this crazy slut's constant slander.I should have expected this,I mean what is she going to do ,say nice things about me?Not talk about me at all?Are you kidding?I'm the biggest thing that's ever happened in her life.She thinks it makes her more important than she really is,so what if she has to stretch the facts,or even make them up to make me seem menacing.She's trying to push me over the edge,but is she so stupid,doesn't she know what that would entail?I'm not going to sink to her level,I'm not going to do anything stupid,not when I've got so many things working for me right now.

The End Of AICE

2009-05-18T09:23:00.004-04:00

I received a bizarre,threatening phone call on Sat. from someone screaming into the phone about how he was going to kill me by "breaking my legs & twisting my neck off."It turned out to be Arnie"Chowhound"Chapman,the amoral nutjob who heads AICE.
He e-mailed me a few weeks ago,telling me I cannot show up at any of his contests as an eater or a spectator.When I informed him not letting me compete is his decision,but he can't stop me from watching ANY eating contest,he tried some bullshit about having me arrested if I showed up,but since I know enough about the law that there's no way he can do that,that I've talked to numerous law enforcement & legal authorities who support this fact,he threatened to "beat me into the ground" if I dared to attend.
When I received the call Sat. I immediately dialed 911 & reported the incident.Two NYC police officers were at my door within 10 minutes & I gave a full report on the threats he's been making to me.
I talked to him again this morning to try & reason with him,but he continued his threats,saying he would"stomp me into the ground."When I told him I was going to make sure his wife would find out how a certain low-grade eater performed sex acts on him in order to get to Japan,he panicked,stunned that I knew all about it.When he finally stopped stammering & stuttering all he could do was curse my mother & threaten more physical violence against me.
This pathetic crook knows that his two-bit,rinky-dink organization is near it's end,that when his sponsors find out about his dirty dealings & underhanded,illegal methods,AICE will be no more.
Anyone who is serious about competitive eating & is involved with him should be advised to join a real org. like IFOCE,because being in cahoots with this slimy kook is only going to hinder them.The strawberry contest this Sat. will probably be his last(if it even happens),& there is going to be such chaos at this event that it will cement the fact that he is finished.Besides no real eaters who are worth anything would come anywhere near him or his sleazy operation.
Stay tuned for updates.

Stir Up The Dogshit

2009-05-16T10:33:00.006-04:00

Man,I've been working so hard lately,I've been so tired, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is take a nap.I'm only working part time right now,but if I play my cards right they're going to put me on full time,which means I can finally get that penis reduction surgery that I've needed.I've been way too long for way too long now,& since I can't see myself making any more adult films,who needs it?People think having an extra large member would be a great thing,but only me & John Holmes(aka Johnny Wadd)know what a burden it is.Oh,and Long Dong Silver,although I think he had some kind of prosthetic-nobody is that big!
Maybe I'll give the parts they cut off to some poor,dickless guys like Paul"Pork" me & "Slap" me like a bitch,or Joel"The Coward"Pud-up-my-ass-ski.I'd give some to Will"The Chimp" but what that blob really needs is a pair of balls.When I told him his friend needs some psychological help,that he should encourage her to get some,instead of sticking up for & defending his(supposed)good friend,what did that giant wuss have to say?"It's got nothing to do with me,leave me out of it."What a pussy!I mean,this girl had me locked up,had me banned from AICE,turned everyone against me by lying,& continues to slander & badmouth me,& I STILL would defend her,would come to her aid if she ever asked me(fat chance of that ever happening),because that's what it means to be a man,something these gutless punks don't have a clue about.
I tried to read the chumps' blog once,but it was so boring & long winded I couldn't get through more than a couple of paragraphs before I almost fell asleep.I could write about sitting home & picking my nose & make it sound more interesting then this eunuch writing about winning the world championship of whatever.His twitter is even worse.It features some fascinating entries as "I'm watching a movie,then I'm going to the store."Alert The media!Fat boy's going to the store!At least he had the decency to reply,unlike the other two ass-kissers who were afraid to even respond to me.
Actually I have nothing against these guys(?), except they wouldn't hear my side of the story before condemning me,but since I guess I'm now considered the bad boy of competitive eating,it's my duty to stir up the dogshit as much as I can.

HEY SAILOR!

2009-05-09T10:23:00.007-04:00

My name's Popeye The Sailor Man I yam what I yam & that's all What I am I eats my spinach,gets real strong I beats on that Bluto when he's doin' wrong Gots me a girl,her name's Olive Oyl Brings her candy,keeps her spoiled Found us a baby,calls her Sweet Pea Loves her so much she's like a son to me I's in the navy,so I gets around Smokes my pipe & sez,"Well Blow Me Down!" copyright jorosemusic all rights reserved

Yankee Go Home!

2009-04-28T17:59:00.008-04:00

As soon as I walked into work(last)Monday,the first thing I heard was from an older guy who lived there."Guess where you're going on Wednesday?",he asked.I didn't want to say what came into my mind(it starts with a 'j' & I've had quite enough of it,that's for sure).He told me,"If you don't know yet I don't want to spoil the surprise".When I asked my supervisor,Jose he said,"Yankee Stadium".Then he said something about how the big boss wasn't sure if I should be rewarded,since I've taken a few days off & only started the job in March,but the residents of the building,who have their own community organization,wanted me to go since they appreciate how spiffy looking I keep their building.
When I got to the job site that Wed.I was informed I'd have to pay $3.00 for the ticket.WHAT!!!???I was outraged!But since they gave me a $4.00 metrocard I think it wasn't too bad of a deal.
It was drizzling when we arrived at the Stadium,& it was an impressive structure from the outside.We had to go to gate 4[the press gate]to pick up our tickets,but someone gave us the wrong directions & we wound up walking all the way around the Stadium.This proved to be a stroke of luck since who do I see when we're at the far side,where the parking lot is-David Cone!He was walking 3 feet in front of us so I had to stop him & talk.I must have shook his hand for two minutes straight but he didn't seem to mind since we were wrapped up in conversation(mostly about the Mets).And I didn't even get to tell him I was at the perfect game he pitched,nearly ten years ago now.Oh well,next time.
The game was cold & rainy throughout,& the seats we had were lousy,& it seemed strange that the upper decks were full while most of the field level ones were empty,so me & my boss went downstairs to some better seats.I fell asleep for an inning or two after Jose left,but woke to see Mariano Rivera pitch the 9th inning.The score was still tied after regulation,but in the top of the 10th I had just about had it & left.Understand,if this was a Met game I would never leave before it was over-especially a tie game.
I couldn't give a review on the food,I only ate a pretzel,& that was because someone bought me it.I'm not spending my hard-earned dough on that overpriced swill,not putting any $ in those fat cats pockets.
The whole place seemed kind of cold & impersonal,but maybe it was the weather,I have to go there on a warm summer day & see how it feels.What really pissed me off the most that day was when they wouldn't let me in the Jim Beam bar-because my ticket wasn't from that level-well,excuuussse me!
Fuck the Yankees,I'm only sorry I saw that monstrosity before the new Mets stadium.But I did have a good time & I'd like to thank all the residents who took me to the game.Next stop,Citi Field!

Thank You For Being A Friend

2009-04-27T10:41:00.001-04:00

In Loving Memory

Bea Arthur

1922-2009

MISTAKEN DIVINITY

2009-04-20T16:19:00.010-04:00

Overcome with desire
For an angelic vision
Foresight Forestalled
On an emotional collision

Lone Gentle Warrior
In love or just confused
Transitional Turmoil
Best offer refused

THE HEAVENS OPENED UP
A SPECTRE OUT OF THE SKY
AN ANGEL HERE ON EARTH
HAS ME MESMERIZED

Change in the whether
Summer's love reprised
Red curls clad in leather
The angel has arrived

Understanding doesn't ease the pain
A strong mind-A fragile heart
Libra's scales under strain

Like a song without music
A duet played all alone
An angel without wings
A Rose with no thorns

A barber without scissors
Mother's Milk gone sour
Love's timeless beauty
Growing older by the hour

My head's out of the clouds
Realized it's just a dream
Innocence obstructs my view
Things are never what they seem

Pride is a fleeting shield
Illusion wears a painted face
How easily our hopes are sheared
Passion's Preference is no disgrace

HEAVEN'S JUST A FANTASY
THE SPECTRE'S IN THE MIND
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ANGELS
LOVE WEARS BLINDERS-BUT IS NOT BLIND

Herein lies the bottom line
To err is human
Forgive divine

copyright jorose music all rights reserved

The Everything Guitar Book

2009-04-07T18:05:00.009-04:00

I am constantly reading & watching music instruction books & videos,both to get an idea of how other teachers operate,& simply because I believe you can never get enough information about subjects that interest & satisfy you.
I've got some time to view stuff right now,since I re injured a gash I had on my left middle finger.Every time it starts to heal a little I start bending strings like a banshee,& 2 nights ago I mangled it to the point where there's no way I can pick up my axe for a few days.
I recently came across a gem called "The Everything Guitar Book" by Ernie Jackson.This highly organized,thorough book is worth checking out if you want to learn how to play guitar,or even if you already play,& just enjoy all things guitar.
It covers a lot of ground,yet doesn't skimp on useful information,or come off at all as splintered or fractured.From the origins & history of guitars,through brief profiles of some of the instruments greats,to an overview of guitar in the 21st century,this good-looking & beautifully laid-out entry doesn't miss much about any aspect of the world's most popular instrument.
It comes with an accompanying CD to go with the written instructional sections that are cohesive & comprehensive,as is the entire book.
Whoever Ernie Jackson is(I don't know of him or even what he looks like,since there isn't a photo of him included,)I commend him for penning a superb,aptly titled read.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

2009-03-31T17:40:00.009-04:00

Some of the comments I've received have not been too cool,but I'm not going to remove them,or any remark because I don't believe in censorship.I won't let them bother me,I just laugh them off,not like some jerks who get all bent out of shape over what someone else says about them.If you're overly worried about what others think about you & have to moderate comments then you're just a phony.What's the point of having a blog & allowing comments if you're only going to post the ones that portray you in a favorable light?To perpetuate a false image of yourself?That's why I don't comment on eatfeats anymore.OJ has his favorites who you can't say anything bad about or he'll erase them.Whatever happened to free speech?
I want everyone who reads this blog to know they can say whatever they want about me,or anything for that matter.Besides,I think it keeps the writing more interesting.I've read some blogs that are so boring & long-winded(much like their authors),I couldn't get through one posting.It reminds me of those people who write on their Facebook page:I'm cleaning my house,I'm feeding my cat-who gives a fuck?Keep that mundane shit to yourself.I've also read some that are so full of misinformation & so badly written,like that stooge beautiful brian[he had to give himself that nickname-nobody would call that load beautiful].
More on this later.

WILD PT III-Act Like A Man!

2009-03-26T11:54:00.003-04:00

To conclude this sad chapter of my life I'd just like to say what I keep thinking to myself lately:I should have acted more like a man.I am truly sorry if my actions upset or hurt this girl in any way.As a man I feel I should defend & protect women.I have 6 unbelievably terrific sisters & they taught me to respect women(or get my ass kicked).I am deeply ashamed & embarrassed for the way I behaved.I take full responsibility for my actions.If my actions were harassing I wasn't aware of it.I just thought I was being persistent.I didn't know that she was really scared of me.I have a hard time believing that anyone could be afraid of me-I mean,I'm little Joey Rose,the shy,meek kid from 14th street.I would do anything,I'd cut my ear or fingers off if I could go back & change things.I never meant to hurt her in any way.I can't change the past(I wish I could),but I damn well can make sure I don't do anything like this again.I called her names & wrote negative things about her on this blog,& again,I'm deeply sorry.I was angry & bitter for being arrested when I felt all she had to do was talk to me,like I asked her to do for over a month.But,once again,as a man,I should have left her alone when she first told me to.

WILD Pt II

2009-03-24T12:05:00.002-04:00

While waiting to be called in court I started to nod off,only to snap to attention when I heard my name called.Only it wasn't the court officer,it was 2 DTs from the 72nd precinct,one of whom said,"You know why we're here right?""Uh-Huh",I croaked.I didn't mind going to the 72nd too much.They're always nice to me there.They buy me food,give me newspapers to read,or let me watch TV.It's central booking that's no picnic.A guy actually got knocked out in the jail cell I was in downtown.
A big fat black guy was taunting a guy with short dreadlocks,who was in the adjoining cell.When they were cleaning the cells & put us all in one cell he was pushing the dread guy around a little when Dread(as everyone was calling him)let loose with a flurry of punches & the fat guy folded like a house of cards.Because the cell was so overcrowded,it was like a tidal wave of dudes when he went down.
With nothing but time on my hands I thought up some funny rhymes for "she put me in jail pt II",but I forgot them.(It's not a priority project.)I did meet a guy from Staten Island in the joint who had his own contracting business;a guard wrote down his # for me,& I might get some side work from him.I'll tell ya,the friends you meet in jail are your friends for life,or at least until the judge says,"Released on your own recognisance".
Well,I'm getting tired of typing,I'll put the coda on this story tomorrow.

WILD IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT

2009-03-23T15:29:00.014-04:00

Last week was pretty exciting-I wouldn't want to go through it again,but it was,well,wild is an understatement.
On Monday I took off from work to go to the Stroehmann Sandwich Slam,a corned beef eating contest at Gallagher's Restaurant on 52nd St. in Manhattan.I usually work on Mon-Wed-Fri,but I switched around my days so I could go to the event(& go to court on Tues.)Little did I know that my day in court would turn into a 24 hr. ordeal,but I'll get to that later.
First the contest:I hung around midtown a little in the morning & had a few drinks,since I wasn't competing.When I arrived at Gallagher's I was feeling nice,& got a warm greeting from my favorite gurgitator,"Badlands"Booker."It's Jo Rose",he chimed-that's why I dig that cat so much-any little nervousness I had melted away when this sweetheart of a man hugged me hello.That set the tone for me,& I was able to relax & enjoy myself.
As for the contest itself,it was pure fun to be able to just watch.Afterward I got to talk to two people I really admire:"Crazy Legs"Conti & Joey Chestnut.Conti,who's eloquence & intellectual intensity had previously intimidated me,& Joey,who comes off as such a likable,regular guy-like someone you'd want to go to a ballgame with.I also made friends with some people I didn't know before,& we had a good time talking & laughing.
There was a small spread-the corned beef was delicious(I had a sandwich-on rye of course).And there was a free bar.I put a dollar in the bartender's tip glass & asked him for a soda.Then I put a fiver in,& asked him for some vodka.He whipped out a big glass & poured about a pint or so of Absolute in it...& that's the last thing I remember before waking up at 9:00PM,in the dark,in my living room,on the floor,with my coat on.
The drinking continued the next morning,when I was going crazy looking for my court notice.I didn't even remember where the court was,so I needed that docket to know where to go.I finally found it & went to court,fully expecting it to be over with quickly since I didn't do any of the things I was accused of.I'm not saying I'm completely innocent,I take responsibility for saying & writing some dumb things,but I never did anything criminal.Nothing to merit going to jail-TWICE! 2 B CONTINUED TOMORROW... {I'm having problems putting the photos up but they'll be here in a few days}

she put me in jail PT II

2009-03-18T15:05:00.010-04:00

instrumental (so far)

Never Get Me Alive!

2009-03-16T11:11:00.002-04:00

The police have been trying to get me to come to the station house for over a week now.They told me some bullshit about needing me to sign a paper,but I know they want to arrest me for violating the order of protection that Jill put out on me.I did violate the order.What heinous crime did I commit?I sent her an e-mail.Yes,I know,I am a monster for e-mailing someone & saying nice things to them,when I am supposed to not have any contact with the afore mentioned princess.What can I say?I got drunk & thought:She's not that cruel & inhuman that she would send me to jail for telling her I wish her nothing but the best.Anyone who knows this piece of work can attest to how wrong I was to try & appeal to her good nature.I have been holed up in my spacious apartment waiting for them to come get me.Only they don't care.They have told me on the phone that they know this chick is bad,bad news,& they know I'm not a violent person & am not going to do anything stupid.I just want this whole episode to be over with.I have too much great stuff going on in my life right now to throw it all away on this demented,pathetic cow.I had had an exit plan in case they came to my building:They have to ring the bell to get in,& once I look out my window & see them I am gone.I go to court tomorrow,& then I hope this nightmare will be over.I hope I never see the spiteful,lying sad excuse for a woman ever again.It's over in my mind,if she comes to court with a new batch of lies she's in for a surprise-I'm not going to be railroaded by anyone.

Faster,Pussycat!

2009-03-09T16:06:00.005-04:00

I'm going so fast the wheels are about to come off any second now,but I'm gonna push it as hard as I can & enjoy the ride for what it's worth.(Another exerpt from my novel:
I'm really digging my Stagg guitar-it's a real blast to play-I like it better than the real Strat I had & sold last year.The tone controls are more varied than a Fender.

CANCEL ARACHNID ALERT

2009-02-27T10:30:00.012-05:00

Turns out it wasn't my spiders that were biting me,it was just the reaction from using some Ajax All Purpose Cleaner(basically for floors) to do my laundry with(well,it says ALL purpose).Here are some nice pictures of spiders,anyway.
I love watching Kate Sullivan in the morning.
I just got an unusually high electric bill;that amp I'm using is sucking up too much juice(much like me).That's it,I'm going acoustic.
Some guy came to my door yesterday asking me about bills I pay &(other)stuff.I knew right away he was a rip-off artist,& told him to get lost.When I saw him talking to a neighbor I fetched a crowbar & told him,"Get out of the building before I bash your skull in".Then I realised that would look really bad on my resume,& just threatened to call the cops on him.In the end I figured,hey,I don't need any more trouble at this point.Maybe I'm actually smartening up.Could you imagine a mature & wise Jo Rose?(I can't,if I was could I write this ditty:)
No more drinking in the mornin'
No more drinkin'in the day[time]
Joey's got a job-He's gotta paint & scrape & swab
No more drinkin'every day!

Bite Me Boris!

2009-02-26T14:46:00.005-05:00

Did you ever meet a girl who is so beautiful you were afraid to look at her-afraid that you were gonna fall madly in love with her?Well,I just did.I mean I've seen & talked to her before,but when I caught a glimpse of her yesterday my heart almost jumped out of my chest.I am so blown away by her loveliness I'm practically speechless.
My spiders are biting the shit out of me.I feed,cultivate & encourage the little bastards & they are chewing me alive.It's my own fault:I don't have enough insects in my apartment to keep them sated.Where are all the roaches when you need them?I'd even settle for a few flies at this point just to keep Boris & his pals off my back.Maybe I'll get a radioactive one & go web-slinging down Flatbush Avenue.

Life's Too Short...

2009-02-24T10:41:00.005-05:00

I can't stop laughing 'cause a grown woman called to me,"Hey,muscleman!" I am anything but muscular, & although my guitar playing has been described(by me),as acrobatic & ferocious I am not a big guy.I prefer to exercise my mind.I have been working out lately,but it mostly involves a lot of elbow bending.
I'm ready to get back into the whole competitive eating groove-so far my biggest accomplishment as a CE has been eating a gallon of alphabet soup & throwing up the vowels & consonants separately(I'd like to see Furious Pete do that!)
I've been feeling so good lately,it's nice to wake up in the morning rarin' to go.People tell me I've got balls to do the things I do.I'll tell you this:I've got balls that haven't bounced yet!
Experience isn't just what happens to a person,experience is making what happens to you count.

50 LBS!!!

2009-02-18T09:29:00.011-05:00

So much crap has gone on lately I almost overlooked the fact that I lost 50 lbs.If you look at the photo on the Beautiful Brian eatfeats link to his "Who will stop the rain" parody of the Shea Stadium Qualifier(my 1st contest)in June,you will see me as the bloated,gluttonous cafone I used to be.Today I am much slimmer due to a rigorous schedule that includes special wrist exercises twice a day.Since I stopped taking that dreaded medication I have so much more energy-sexually & otherwise.Too bad I'm crazier then a loon,now.(Actually I've gained back about 5 lbs. this past week due to a foot injury that has kept me from the extreme walking regimen I usually do.)Now all I need is a lobotomy to cut some of the fat(& unpleasant memories)out of my brain.
I start a new job in 2 weeks & am almost ready to start putting up fliers & ads to start teaching guitar again.With the return of warmer weather my spirits are starting to thaw after the coldest winter of my life(& I'm not talking about the temperature).I know some of this weight loss could be due to stress-when I'm in a high anxiety state of mind I don't feel like eating-I just look for things to do to burn calories off,like working around the house.I have a beautiful 5 room apartment but I'm rarely home because I'm like a shark-I have to keep moving or(I think)I'll die. more later...

she put me in jail

2009-02-02T09:20:00.021-05:00

I knew she was trouble
Made me dress like a Dog
I way overdid it
In a fog with a hog

Chemistry just awful
The worst kind of lay
I wanted to leave
She begged me to stay

She aborted our baby
I went really nuts
How could I be such a fool
How could she be such a putz

She had to get even
So she set me up
What could you expect
From such a sick pup

She called and said meet me
We'll have a long chat
I told her I'm sorry
She was scaly and fat

She said I looked nice
But when I turned around
Two DTs flashed badges
And took me downtown

Ten minutes of sleep
Forty hours of hell
From a hag with bad skin
And a sour milk smell

Fighting off claustrophobia
Wondering when I'll get out
And all the while thinking
Of that pasty-faced pout

Equanimity withers
Will I make bail
I gave her my heart
She put me in jail

Written early Sat. morning(in my head-no pens,pencils allowed)in various holding cells while incarcerated,waiting to be arraigned at central booking.Every one of the charges against me that were read in court were false.I am meeting with lawyers to file a lawsuit against this vile woman who caused me so much pain & suffering, I feel I'm forever scarred because of this ordeal.
She is going to pay for what she did to me.What she did was beyond cruel.Rather than talk to me for 5 minutes,she decided she'd rather put me in the pokey for a couple of days.What kind of person would make up lies to get someone arrested?A spiteful,twisted,skanky,habitually lying,shallow psycho;that's who.
The law of karma says that the effect of all deeds create past,present & future experience,thus making you responsible for your own life & the pain & joy it brings to you & to others.
Being locked in a cage,even for a short time,is unbearable.As a human being with the thought process to rationalize it,it's intolerable.I can't imagine how awful it must be for an animal who can't understand it.
What a harrowing 2 days it was-I'm still having nightmares about it.
Freedom is often taken for granted,but when you walk out of jail after 2 days,man is it sweet!

Jammin' with McB

2009-01-28T10:49:00.002-05:00

I was in J & R Music World recently,checking out different new guitars when I heard someone playing a funky kind of bass line.I immediately put some slinky chords to it & had a little moment with this unknown bass player.When I turned around to see who it was,I said to myself,"Wait a minute,that guy looks familiar."At first I thought he was an actor,because I knew I'd seen him before,but I found out later he was R & B artist Brian McKnight.
I gave him a friendly nod but I didn't talk to him since I wasn't sure who he was & have no knowledge of his work(,so I didn't know what to say).It turned out they were filming something for TV, or a commercial or something,which I might be in 'cause I was nearby rockin' my ass off.If I am I wouldn't know where to look for it anyway.
However,I did manage to make a good deal on a Stagg guitar(I know,I never heard of them either,but it's a sweet axe)& carried it on my shoulder across the Brooklyn Bridge where I met my cousin & we broke it in together righteously.
This happened some weeks ago,but I pretty much forgot about it until I saw Mr. McKnight on television recently & chuckled about it.
In other regards,it's been a tough month,I feel like I've been emotionally raped the way things have been going.For instance,I was working at an orange juice factory,but I got fired 'cause I couldn't concentrate.Then I was nominated for an Adult Film Award,but it was for best solo performance.
Finally,to that certain special someone:I can see it coming & I only ask that you kindly please leave me out of the suicide note.And remember folks,you're never more than 6 feet away from a spider-so watch out for new websites.

Abstract Expressionism

2009-01-23T14:53:00.009-05:00

GLI AUGULI DI CAPADANNO

2009-01-02T11:56:00.006-05:00

It's 7:59am on Jan. 1st & I'm asking myself how a razor that won't even cut facial hair can make such a gash in my finger-& dang near take half the nail.
I have a new plan this year:I'm gonna make it up as I go along.[Hey,this new pen is pretty smokin'!]
"A PROBLEM IS A CHANCE FOR YOU TO DO YOUR BEST"
-Duke Ellington
I always make a lot of mistakes,because I always push it to the limit.Sometimes I succeed,sometimes I fail miserably,sometimes I get into trouble-but it's always exciting-& I wouldn't have it any other way!
I've got my finger taped so I can play guitar,I'm waking up in the morning writing new songs,or working on old ones-man, this is just like old times!

Zan-tastic!

2008-12-22T14:02:00.017-05:00

Sunday was the Zan's 4th Annual Potato Latke Eating Competition in Lake Grove Long Island,which was won by 'Furious'Pete Czerwinski.Pete,who claimed he'd never eaten a latke before(!)demolished the previous record of 31 held by Tom 'Goose' Gilbert by downing an astonishing 46-which is 8 1/2 lbs. of potatoes.It was my first time meeting Pete who seemed quite laid-back;I guess he saves his energy for the contests-hey,it definitely works for him.Even more fantastic he went from Zan's to Swing Bellies in Long Beach & broke the chicken wing eating record by scoffing 36 super-sized wings.The guy is unbelievable! The event was hosted with panache & verve by the always entertaining Arnie'Chowhound'Chapman.He was really in fine form,so incredibly animated at one point I thought he was going to spontaneously combust!I don't think I've laughed that much since the last time I saw Rodney Dangerfield. Arnie warned me that the oil the latkes are cooked in can get to you & maybe that's why I felt so suddenly sick, & felt awful that night.I actually got off to a good start,eating a plate of 10 in the first 3 minutes & 30 seconds,but then started coughing & couldn't stop.My nose started running,tears were streaming from my eyes & I couldn't get going again.I could only manage one bite of the 15th one-by then they were not tasting good at all. However I did win a $15 gift certificate in the talent portion of the competition,for which I told a couple of limericks I wrote the night before(see sidebar below).By now I know I'm pretty tame as a competitive eater,but instead of being down on myself afterwards as I've done before,I've realized the whole point(for me),is to have fun & enjoy being with the other gurgitators-nothing was going to ruin my day. A highlight was meeting 'King' George Van Laar,a terrific guy who I liked so much I asked for an autographed picture-something I had never done before.I hope to see him & everyone else involved again real soon. UPDATE:Dec. 28: I was mistaken in my writing 'Furious' Pete did the wing challenge the same day as Zan's-it was the day before, when he also did the ice cream one.

Beyond Bread and Circuses

2008-11-23T13:17:00.008-05:00

There is a new book called 'Food for Thought Essays On Eating and Culture' that explores & tries to to explain the competitive eating phenomenon with an essay entitled "Beyond Bread and Circuses Professional Competitive Eating"
The editor of the book & author of the piece,Lawrence C. Rubin details the historical,sociological,& even antrhopological aspects of CE.He takes a high-brow approach toward a low-brow subject,citing examples as the American Paradox,the gustatory abject & the pathography of competitive eaters,Often biting off more than he can chew(,yes I said it).
He does make some interesting points such as food loathing & the ritualistic aspects of eating,but often misses the mark as when he states that CE is a nostalgic attempt to reconnect with our agricultural heritage.(?!?!?)
While the last book I read about CE,Ryan Nerz's 'Eat This Book' was very funny(& highly informative),this essay is very dry & practically humorless.In all fairness though,few writers,or people in general, are as entertaining as Mr. Nerz.
I haven't read the rest of the book,& won't(I'm up to my eyeballs in music theory tomes right now),so I can't recommend or pan it.But it has a wide variety of food related essays.
Ironically,as I'm writing this I'm watching CBS Sunday Morning which is all about food this week.But I guess that's not so unusual at this time of year.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all!

L'UOMO DELLE STELLE

2008-11-18T11:14:00.014-05:00

I've just witnessed one of the most splendid sights in all my life.It was a film called 'L'uomo Delle Stelle'(The Star Maker) by one of my favorite directors Giuseppe Tornatore.This movie got me excited,made me laugh,& ultimately had me weeping like a child.It was so touching,so incredibly moving,I'm still shaking.What a momentous achievement in film making!
And I can't believe it came out in 1994 & I'm just seeing it now.I thought I had seen all of Tornatore's films,so I was more than pleased when I came across it.I think it's his best work.
I would go as far to say it was one of the great masterpieces(in any art form)of all time.It made me appreciate life in so many different ways-I'm so blown away that a movie could be so gloriously uplifting & terribly sad at the same time.
I'm gonna watch it again,without the subtitles so I can enjoy the more visual aspects of it.

False Alarm

2008-11-10T09:06:00.009-05:00

Here is my account of the wing eating contest at Firehouse last night: I plannened on arriving at 8:00 since they told me on the phone that's about when it would begin,but I got on an express train by mistake that took me all the way up to 125th St.I switched over to the downtown side & had to wait awhile for the local,worrying that I wasn't going to make it on time.I bounded down to Colombus Ave where Firehouse is located,only to be informed the contest would take place at halftime of the Giants game,which hadn't started yet.No way I was going to hang out in a bar for over an hour & a half,I knew if I did I'd get hammered(I'm not drinking),& wind up spending all my money.So I took a stroll along Central Park West & enjoyed the refreshing,cool weather instead. When I came back I tried to loosen up by meditating for a bit,but I couldn't find a suitable spot.It was different than previous contests I'd been in;there was no build-up,no barker,& there was no explanation of the rules & such. Just before it began I looked around & said to myself,"I can beat these guys".In the less than 5 months since I started CE I've learned a few things.Unfortunately I have not mastered stripping a paddle in one shot(which Tim,who was running the show,demonstrated afterwards).Also,this was my 1st wing contest & to top it off,I was worried if I was going to be able to pick any up with my left hand(I'm left-handed)because I'd thought I'd broken it in the afternoon.But that's another(better)story. As it got under way I was trying not to get too ahead of myself,not to overstuff my mouth & trigger the gag reflex, so I was shocked when Tim said,"Time's up!".I looked up & said,"What!?".What I thought was a 10 minute contest turned out to be only a minute.If I knew that, I would have chipmonked my way to a victory.Like I told my prom date,"If I knew it was only gonna last one minute I wouldn't have gone to all this trouble".Plus the 2 guys who finished ahead of me had about half eaten their wings;mine were clean to the bone. But,hey I'm not crying,That's the way it goes sometimes.Just chalk it up to experience & move on.It's my own fault,I should get all the pertenent information beforehand.Next time I will,If there is a next time,as Don Pardo says.

Shoot That Dawg!!!

2008-11-03T12:46:00.016-05:00

I'm still trying to digest the craziness that was the Village Halloween Parade.It was one of the wildest things I've seen in a while.It was a blast being the Dog(although I hated having ultimately to be muzzled).There were some people who took my picture & the attention I received was really exciting,but there was only one person's recognition that I cared about;the beautiful woman I was with.I was proud to call her my wife for a night-even if it was only make believe.
But now it's time to put the Dog to sleep... before he starts humping people's legs & foaming from the mouth with rabies.Hopefully now I can transform into a human being, with my bark being worse than my bite.

Eat This...

2008-10-23T12:43:00.008-04:00

I am currently reading 'Eat This Book' by Ryan Nerz & am learning alot from it.I met Mr. Nerz at my 1st contest(June 14th-Nathan's Qualifier at Shea Stadium)& he was a really nice guy-he even gave my friend Larry a Nathan's shirt.
The most important thing I've learned so far is not to drink alcohol beforehand.The last 2 times I was sloshed;I thought drinking would free me up,release my inhibitions & enable me to consume faster,but it had the opposite effect.I was sloppy & unfocused-in the video of the San Gennaro Cannoli Contest I look like a pyschopath, & while I was changing the channel on my TV one night I saw myself on The Jimmy Kimmel Show in all my drunken glory!!!
My best result was at the Chef One Dumpling Contest & it was because I (unknowningly) did what my favorite eater,Badlands Booker, does-meditate right before showtime.I felt relaxed & "in the zone".It was an immensly satisfying feeling.
If I ever get the chance to compete again(I wasn't going to)& I think I owe it to myself to do so,I'm going to use everything I've learned & try to do it right.

On a happier note I'm back in the place I love most-BROOKLYN USA-& I feel re-energized,revitalized,rejuvinated,& anything else I can put re before.
I'm ready to rock again!!!

Sinister G

2008-10-19T11:14:00.010-04:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday,the best thing about it was always seeing Zappa at the Palladium or wherever he was playing.
This is something that has undergone many name changes,most recently ALL IN YOUR MIND or SINISTRATION:
They say it heals all wounds, then why is the sands of time like salt on mine?
Now that reason has failed me,and logic is no use-I must turn to the dark side^let the demon loose
Now my mind must lead me into that dreadful place-Where the monster dwells-to stare him in the face
Now I see him smiling,twisted features all aglow*His gnarnled wretched hands ready,to strike the death blow
Now I hear him laughing,a long wailing shriek*As he draws nearer I cannot move or speak
Now I cannot stop him-I cannot even try*I just let him take me*And sadly wonder why.(copyright 1992 jorose music ltd)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Fascism in Action

2008-10-10T16:13:00.007-04:00

//
I wrote a comment to eatfeats this morning that was rejected because,apparently it hit too close to home.I shot back in an e-mail that the pettiness displayed is the worst kind of censorship & goes against everything this country stands for.Actually I was just trying to stir up some controversy by causing some trouble. Here is the comment I wrote(regarding the best dressed eaters): who gives a fuck who's best dressed or not.(It's just some asshole's opinion anyway.)this kind of crap just makes the sport(?)seem petty & ridiculous,anyway.you'd think so-called grown men could make better use of their time. I was told that it was censored because I called the guy an asshole-what a joke!Like John Lennon said,"Everybody's got one" ***more on this later*** Oct. 20 2008:As a postscript I'd just like to say it was all really much ado about nothing,I don't really care that I've lost automatic approval for my registered comments because I'm rapidly losing interest in it all anyway.

Fat Jo No Mo'

2008-10-07T15:08:00.004-04:00

Some people have asked me if I'm concerned about gaing weight doing competitive eating.Actually,it's just the opposite.I've lost about 20 lbs since June, when I was in my 1st contest.I peaked at 218,which is way too much for a guy my height.
I've lost the weight because I don't pig out like I used to(unless it's a contest).I eat light & drink alot of water.
I really should exercise more but usually the only part of my body that gets any exercise is my wrist-from writing(yeah,I know what you were thinking).
Now I've got to cut down on my drinking-alcohol has a lot of calories!

EXTREMELY

2008-09-30T15:19:00.005-04:00

THINGS ARE EITHER WRONG OR RIGHT-STANDARDS ARE LOWERED OR RAISED
THINGS ARE EITHER BLACK OR WHITE-I DON'T BOTHER WITH GREYS
>There are no in-betweens for me
>You're either blind or you can see
GIVE ME SOME KIND OF AN ANSWER-NO MAYBE OR WE WILL SEE
INDECISION EATS AWAY LIKE A CANCER-I'D RATHER YOU HATE THEN IGNORE ME
>A world of mediocre
>Random lives played like poker
>Lowest common denominator
>No praise for the originator
(This is the second in a series of song lyrics.)

No pizza for J-Ro

2008-09-26T10:31:00.003-04:00

I just found out I will not be competing in the Famiglia pizza contest-I'm not even a standby.I feel like I was rooked-I put in my application as soon as they opened.Finally something I actually enjoy eating & it's a no go.This could be the end of Gavonne,I was getting sick of him anyway.This tops off a week where I had free tickets to 2 Mets games and didn't go to either.I didn't go Tuesday 'cause I wasn't in the mood,& didn't go last night 'cause I thought it was going to get rained out.I don't feel bad though-I said my goodbye to Shea a couple of weeks ago on what couldn't have been a more perfect night.

2008-09-25T08:19:00.005-04:00

you always think that you can control the booze but the booze always winds up controlling you.I can't get drunk enough but I can get too drunk.The ying & the yang goes up the kazoo & the reason goes out the window... (an exerpt from Giovanni Titanus Palantine: 2008 Jo Rose)

only slightly hairy

2008-09-23T10:07:00.006-04:00

1st of a series of weekly lyrics from the archives or sometimes brand new:
Entomological confusion
Callipygian Osculation
Epileptically vacant
Liquid Explosion
Oxygen cocktail
Devine retribution
Forced Estonia
Texas Chainsaw Manicure
girl gravy

Gorilla Soup
Atrocious Lips

Refried brains
only slightly hairy

Bun & Cheese

2008-09-22T09:28:00.006-04:00

How do I begin to describe the dissapointment I suffered from my lousy showing at the Bun & Cheese eating contest in the Bronx on Saturday?It wasn't just that I had a hard time getting them down, or that I had to resort to clowning & mugging it up in a pathetic,desperate attempt for attention,but that I was bested by a girl who weighed about 85 lbs & looked like she was 16 yrs. old(she's not)-email me "Tammie"-(I don't know if you want me to state your real name). I was beating myself up pretty good until I remembered why I started doing this:for fun. Looking back on it all today I've got to admit I had a pretty good time;I mean what could be better than hanging out with attractive women & cool guys(except maybe winning)? A big thanks to Arnie"Chowhound", & an extra special thanks to Sweet Jill Stoler for making me feel welcome.And a heartfelt congratulations to Jill on winning her 1st trophy at the Loukoumades contest on Sunday at the Greek Festival.That's better than anything that could have happened this weekend!

2008-09-19T11:23:00.000-04:00

Supposed to be in this contest in the Bronx tomorrow,but I have no idea what these things are.All I can do is go with an open mind & try & have fun.

Cannoli

2008-09-15T10:09:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention I met CBS's Steve Bartelstein-a really great guy.I don't even know how many cannolis I ate(I was somewhat inebriated & wasn't counting)but it was less than 10.Thanks to everyone involved for a really fun day & hope to do better in my next contest.

San Gennaro

2008-09-15T09:35:00.004-04:00

By now you probably know about the San Gennero Cannoli Contest,but here is my account of the day.It started out great-when I got there I was interviewed by a beautiful girl named Maureen-if you're out there I would like to see that video.I got to talk to a bunch of nice people,including my favorite eater:Badlands Booker.When I got on stage & the contest was about to begin I asked the kid next to me(who won),where's my water.He told me you have to bring your own.He had about 10 cups of water & I asked him for one but the little git wouldn't give me one.The contest started & I didn't have anythng to wash down those awful tasting pastries.Someone gave me a cup of coffee but it was too hot & was not a good chaser.I was really down on myself afterwards,this was my third contest & I hoped to make a good showing-I even contemplated giving up the whole competitive eating thing but now I realise that I can't really eat stuff that I don't like.All in all it was a fun day & a good learning experience.